This chapter is titled "Wounded" and wow it brings up many wounds and I felt like I identified with many of them. I want to share quotes with you that stuck out to me. I am also sharing with you some of my testimony and how I identified with the readings of this chapter.
"Every little girl should be so loved, so welcomed--seen, known, treasured. From this place she can become a strong and beautiful and confident woman. If only that was how it was for all of us."
"If a woman is comfortable with her own femininity, her beauty, her strength, then the chances are good that her daughter will be too." Wow-- if this isn't my prayer.. I don't know what is!
I love this one-- "Our mothers show us the merciful face of God." That's beautiful, right? I will admit that I often felt as if I wasn't shown mercy or grace very often. I have to say that I clung to God as a child. I knew perfection lay with Him and I so wanted that. When I felt taunted by others or teased.. I would think.. "One day God will show them. One day they will see what they have done." Strange, I know.. but true. It was my coping mechanism.
"But as for our Question (The one each little girl asks, "Am I lovely?")- that is primarily answered by our fathers." Interesting!! As a young child my relationship with my dad was good. He did things with me and I did feel treasured by him. As a young teenager I was totally put on his backburner and as an older teenager was disowned by him and threatened to be removed from his will. That scarred me for many years. "How a father relates to his daughter has an enormous effect on her soul-- for good or for evil." I can praise God now that although our relationship isn't what I wish it was.. we have a good relationship. I will be grateful for what I have.
Now we're venturing into part of the book where examples are given of woundedness. As the stories unfold this quote definitely struck me, "the reason there are so many struggling women is because there were SO many wounded girls." Parents don't realize how their actions & their words truly scar or uphold the self-worth of their children. I am guilty of cutting down my children. It is only a fraction of a second when I've realized what I have done and the wound is deeply set within their eyes. I ALWAYS go to them, hug them, and beg their forgiveness. I know what it's like to have wounds cut deep within me. I am not immune to causing them either. I am, however, held accountable for what I do once I realize what I have done. The Holy Spirit reveals such things to you if you are quiet enough to hear His voice! My children have received my harsh words before, but praise God they have also received my humility and my willingness to go to them and ask forgiveness. It teaches them that I am not perfect. It teaches them that I am a sinner too. It teaches them to forgive. It also teaches them that when they do wrong, they can come ask forgiveness from us as parents. I try very hard to extend the same grace to them as they (as children) have so often extend to me. Matthew 18:3 "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."
"Take a deep look into the eyes of anyone and behind the smile or the fear, you will find pain. And most people are in more pain than even they realize." Wow, if that's not true! When I received counseling over two years ago. I walked in with my smile plastered upon my face. That's what I always did. I often felt like I was acting. I was good at it too. My counselor shared something with me a year or more later as I was beginning to truly experience healing.. and my smiles were real and genuine. She told me she saw the look in my eyes when I walked in after first meeting her and she saw very deep pain. She knew my smile was only an act. I don't know if others saw it or not.. she had been in counseling many years and she knew that kind of pain. Maybe I wasn't fooling anyone, but myself? I'm glad that my smiles are now genuine.. usually, ha!
"Sorrow is not a stranger to any of us, though only a few have learned that it is not our enemy either. Because we are the ones loved by God, the King of kings, Jesus himself, who came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free (Isaiah 61)." We are set apart.. we are His beloved!! I praise God that when my life is stressful and heartache is prevalent He holds me and He can heal me! True healing can only come from Him!
As the book reads on we explore the life of a little girl named Debbie (not me, although I identified heavily with her!) Her father had an affair when she was young. He wasn't abusive or violent. He was kind to her mom & sisters. They were a church going family. Debbie felt that her mom & her family weren't "enough" to keep her father. "Affairs and divorces strike at a woman's worst fear- abandonment. They wound, not just the mothers, but the daughters as well." I remember after my dad moved out (after his 2nd affair) and my mom was hurting and we were crying and we were all fighting. She said, "You will always have your daddy. I will never have my husband." I know her heart was aching, but I felt abandoned by her at that point too. I wanted to be held and reassured and I felt so alone. I would struggle with abandonment for many, many years. I felt that I had to control myself enough to try to keep myself from being abandoned. This became a pivotal point when my perfectionism began taking a life of it's own. If I didn't meet the standard of what I felt like perfection should be.. I was in shambles. Simple tasks like carrying laundry. If something fell out of the basket-- I lost it. I felt like I couldn't even carry laundry right. I was on eggshells-- within myself. I was miserable. I didn't dare let on that I was in this turmoil though.. because that would further the argument that I wasn't perfect. So instead just like Debbie felt, "Hide your vulnerability, Hide your heart. You aren't safe." I didn't feel safe with anyone, and if I did try to be.. in their human nature they would let me down and then I felt even more abandoned.
Now Stasi (a co-author of the book) speaks of her childhood. A mother whose sole attention was herself. Stasi writes, "When I was young I had to pretend to be sick in order to get a morsel of her attention." It's funny.. I remember pretending to be sick often. I also remember if I was a little sick I made it much worse in order to prolong my "sickness" in order to get more attention. I was told once, "You are baby-ed too much when you're sick. I think you like being sick for that reason. I guess that's my fault for giving you too much attention when you're sick." My question was, "Why couldn't you just give me more attention?" It was something that hit me at the core of my being, but I couldn't quite understand why it haunted me so badly. As I read this book, I realize I just wanted my question ("Am I lovely?") to be answered.. with a yes.
So what lessons did I learn as a little girl? I often felt like I was a waitress. That may seem silly. I was to have coffee made at all times for my dad. If my mom wanted something to drink, then I was to get it for her. If the dogs needed to be let outside (off the kitchen)- even if an adult was in the kitchen.. I would be called into the kitchen to do so. We (my sister & I) kept our home clean.. very clean. We had many chores as both of our parents worked. The good news is that even though my house may not look it.. I know how to keep a clean home, lol. I often felt that my actions were an equal measure of love. If I did the dishes, but forgot to do something that accompanied the cleanliness of the kitchen, then I was only told what I did wrong. I rarely remember being shown gratefulness for what I had done. So I felt like I was only loved when I was "perfect" which further led to my desire to strive for perfection.
If I was asked to do something I didn't want to do and I said "no", then my love was questioned. "Don't you love me?" I felt like I couldn't have an opinion, because if it was the wrong one or not the same as the adults around me.. then I might not love them. That would hurt them, and I didn't want to hurt them. So I would strive to be pleasing by picking the opinion they wanted and hope that I got it right-- all the while losing my own identity as to what I liked or enjoyed or wanted to do. "The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result."
Stasi writes that as a child we don't understand how to sort through the emotions we feel. Our parents know everything. "We believed them to be right. If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us- the problem was with us." This was true for me. I felt like I couldn't say the right thing or do the right thing. So I strived a little harder to be perfect.
"What makes her search so frustrating is that she doesn't know what IS wrong with her. She simply fears that somehow she is not enough."
"We can't help but believe that if we were different, if we were BETTER, then we would have been loved as we so longed to be. It must be us." -Lies from Satan himself.
"The vows we make as children are very understandable- and very, very damaging. They shut our hearts down." My vows were that I could be perfect.. and only then I could be lovely and worthy.. and acceptable. I would vow to not hurt anyone on purpose and to make sure what I said was the "right" thing.
"Somewhere in my young heart, without even knowing I was doing it or putting words to it, I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain, never requiring attention." It's so interesting as I read this, because this was me! As I worked on boundaries in my counseling I would share situations with her. She would give me ideas about how to set a boundary. I would reply, "Oh I could never say that!" She would ask, "Why not?" My answer, "Because I would hurt their feelings."
It took MONTHS (and I'm still a work in progress) to understand that by someone crossing my boundary they are hurting my feelings. My feelings are not invalidated! I have been so hurt & wounded by others that I would go to any cost at all to make sure I didn't cause the same pain in someone else. But the truth of the matter is.. we are human. We will cause other people pain. But where is our heart in that? Is it malicious? My heart wasn't malicious.. I had to trust that if someone's feelings are hurt.. it is their feelings to feel- not mine. They were allowed to feel hurt and if I was in the wrong then I should apologize. However, if I am setting a boundary to protect myself and I inadvertently hurt their feelings I have no reason to apologize. My heart wasn't in the wrong place-- my heart was pure. Their hurt feelings are theirs to work through.. not for me to work through.
So where I was: Stasi puts it beautifully, "We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what he thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate." This was definitely me..especially with my vows of perfectionism.
I praise God that through brokenness I have experienced God has redeemed me. He has restored me! Praise God that my mission in life is no longer to be perfect! I am only a forgiven sinner who has been saved and redeemed by the grace of God!! It took many tears, a long journey, and heaps and heaps of grace.. but God can restore our brokenness. He is Jehova Rapha- the Ultimate Healer! I share my story because many have shared with me their brokenness. Some have shared with me that they are hurting. I share my story not to say my parents were horrible parents-- they did the best they could. I share my story because 1) God is telling me to 2) I want to inspire you to know we serve a God who heals & redeems. Take your problems and go to the cross of Jesus. Rest at His feet. Weep and cry, kick and scream. Do what you have to do to release the pain of your past. Then allow the anointing of the Holy Spirit to wash over you, cleanse you, and heal your broken heart. He will do it. He is faithful and full of mercy & grace!
One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 61:10 "I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For He has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness." He will clothe you in salvation and drape you in righteousness too.. if you will allow Him to!
I shared this with some friends tonight and I will close with it now. I heard a pastor say one time that the hike up a mountain must be rocky in order to reach the top. If the mountain was slick and smooth you could never make it.
Let me also say that I, in no way, have it all together now. Just today I called my very dear counselor who is more a friend & mentor now than a counselor. So please don't believe that I have no more problems. I am just covered in His grace now and I have given myself permission to know that I am okay and I do not have to be perfect. As I shared with my small group last Wednesday... We all have unique gifts to offer and it's our obedience to Christ that allows us to offer them to others. I am feeling more and more like this is my gift.. so I am here to offer it to you. Only because Jesus gave it to me and it really belongs to Him!
