Blessings

Wow! To say I'm overwhelmed by God's grace and mercy tonight, would be an absolute understatement! I had to work today at Sears. Which meant that I would have to miss going to church. I, thankfully, don't have to work too often on Sundays, but am always disappointed when I do have to.  

This morning, I had an extra hour to myself before going to work. So I sat down and started reading the last book of the Old Testament: Malachi. It talks about how God's people weren't giving their best.. they were giving their left overs to him for their sacrafices. They were giving blind and lame animals. They were stealing from others and presenting those things as their offerings; instead of their own blessings. This really made me think about how often I don't trust God to give it my all.. knowing that He will bless me for being obedient. It made me think about how I don't give my best to him, but He gave His BEST to me: His Son! He gave His Son to me so that I could receive eternal life in Heaven. How selfish am I to not offer Him my best or to not trust Him with my "problems" or with my possessions, knowing that He is the One who is the Creator of it all!? Then, I got to have such a sweet prayer time. Praying for wisdom, guidance, strength, comfort. Praying for my children to receive wisdom.. for me to be a parent who entrusts my children back to Him.. just as Hannah gave Samuel back to the Lord. I want my children to grow up and be strong followers of Jesus in this wicked world. I pray that I will be a mother who does nothing to inhibit God's growth in their lives.

Today was a physically painful day for me at work. I think I must have stood too much yesterday (or something) because my pelvis was really hurting last night and today. I thought this day would never end. I had fun with my coworkers, but it was  a slow day and I kept praying that maybe the clock had just broken... since it had only moved 3 minutes since I had last looked at it (what seemed like 30-45 minutes ago!) LoL! But nope.. several people confirmed that the clock was indeed working just fine! haha.  

I came home and made some dinner and then after I had my pj's on and my contacts out, my sweet friend called me and asked if we could go out for dessert after we each put our kiddos to bed. So, I wholedheartedly agreed that it would be a fantastic idea! As I ate my dinner (my family had already eaten) I sat on the couch and got on FB. I haven't been (truly) on in a while. A high school friend who I don't talk with very often emailed me the other day and told me that God had laid me on her heart and she was praying for me. This meant so much to me and I was so grateful for this! Then, as I was on this evening, a different friend popped up in my chat and said she doesn't know why but I am strongly on her heart and she's praying for me. Then, I post how overwhelmed I am that these 2 friends who knew nothing of what is going on in my life are praying for me. My, how my God loves me. Then 2 more friends acknowledge they have felt the same way! WoW! Talk about this spiritual warfare thing and how God is providing such prayer warriors for me... I am astounded.... and grateful!

  Then, I spent some time with my children and put them to bed and went and got dressed to go back out again. I was tired and felt like when I blinked that opening my eyes back up was a real chore. However, my dear friend was very gracious to listen to my babbling as I constantly kept losing my train of thought! haha. Oh, how I needed her friendship tonight! We talked about our walks with Jesus, our marriages, motherhood while working, our friendship, our church, our desires for the future, and many other things! It was such a blessing! We shared with with each other many struggles we've had this week. Then, we decided to go home. So, I got in to my car and had to stifle a laugh at the song that was playing on the radio! I don't know if you've heard it not, but it truly blessed me! Because I know that I serve a big God who has great plans and I know that He is showing many blessings in disguise right now! Below is the url for the video and music to the song I heard playing on my radio. The part that I heard as soon as the car started? "What if your blessings come in raindrops? What if your healing comes through tears?" Ironic? Nope, I think it was totally a God thing!

You Tube Video: Blessings

  

Broken..

It has been a while since I last posted. As I sit here and think about since the last time I blogged, so many painful memories come to mind. Although, I know that God orchestrates all things to refine me, heal me, and encourage me to help others. I sit here, with a cup of hot chocolate, and a quiet house. Thankfully, Andy took our kiddos to look around Target. I am in desperate need of some quiet time alone today. I am praying for God to give me words to put all of this out on "paper" and to speak my heart. Somebody may need it, I'm not sure.

This morning, we had an amazing speaker at my MOPs group I attend. It is our last meeting of the semester and is always such a sweet time together. Kathy Tarr was our speaker. She's the founder of Fully Alive Ministries and she was dynamic! As she spoke about growing up in a broken home I fully identified with her. (I fully identified with her on nearly everything she spoke about.) I will admit, her broken home seems like it was so much worse than the brokenness I was in.  However, the emotion she shared.. I have felt before. As she described the ways she cried out to God as a child.. it was all I could do to hold back my tears. Those emotions she felt were very raw to me.. I have felt those emotions too. I held back my tears with all of my might. I was truly afraid that if I let that dam break, I may not be able to withhold it. 

See lately, things haven't been going the way I've wanted them to. (Do they ever!? lol) I work 20-25 hours a week, have an injured back & pelvis (which keeps me from doing much around the house or having much fun with my children!), our finances are pitiful, and my heart is struggling with friendships that I'm afraid that I'm losing (because of the place I am in life now) and don't want to give up. For the last few weeks, we have struggled maritally (praise the Lord that's much better now) and emotioally, I've struggled with depression. I feel a sadness that I'm not sure where it's from.. I think it's from all of these changes in my life and I don't know where they're taking me.

I grew up in a home that was full of uncertainties. Would my parents divorce? Would I get yelled at today? At school-- would I get bullied or be the butt of another of my sister's jokes? Later it became: Would my step dad have to come home this weekend.. where everything I did was critiqued and yelled at? Would my parents fight over child support money again.. in places that we could hear? The list could go on forever. I had many uncertainties as a child. Today, my uncertainties are different. However, the "unknowns" in life still dare to frighten me. 

Our speaker today touched on so many areas of her life. She had some very uncertain moments in her life. She was very clear to tell us, "We can't do it"-- without God! "We are broken!" -- without God! He is the author of ALL things and He works ALL things to our good and His glory! What a blessing that is!! I often feel like the worst mother ever. I often have guilt from having to work so much. I often feel very alone. But God is on the Throne... and He is watching over me, holding me, comforting me, strengthening me!  I am not alone! I have Jesus Christ there and He is my Sustainer and my Healer! 

I came home and opened up my bible. I am in the book of Zechariah and Zechariah 10:1 says, "Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who makes the storm clouds. He gives showers of rain to men and plants of the field to everyone." Then verse 12 says, "I will strengthen them in the Lord and in His name they will walk, declares the Lord."

My God is a mighty God and I am so thankful to know that if I am struggling I can ask for His angels to come lift me up and they will do it. If I am feeling lonely, I can ask for comfort and He will give it. He told Zechariah that if we need something we can come to Him.. afterall it is He who is the Creator of all! I find joy in knowing that today!

It's hard for me to share my heart. It makes me feel exposed and when I get real with who I truly am, my ideas of perfection are shattered. However, I am tired of trying to show perfection. I think it's our imperfections that drive us closer together as women and as sisters in Christ. I think we all need to lay down the ideas of perfection and bare ourselves a bit exposed. Because, we can't make it and we are broken... all without Jesus Christ!

My verse for the year is fitting for such a time as this, 
Isaiah 61:10 "I delight greatly in our Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness."