Broken..

It has been a while since I last posted. As I sit here and think about since the last time I blogged, so many painful memories come to mind. Although, I know that God orchestrates all things to refine me, heal me, and encourage me to help others. I sit here, with a cup of hot chocolate, and a quiet house. Thankfully, Andy took our kiddos to look around Target. I am in desperate need of some quiet time alone today. I am praying for God to give me words to put all of this out on "paper" and to speak my heart. Somebody may need it, I'm not sure.

This morning, we had an amazing speaker at my MOPs group I attend. It is our last meeting of the semester and is always such a sweet time together. Kathy Tarr was our speaker. She's the founder of Fully Alive Ministries and she was dynamic! As she spoke about growing up in a broken home I fully identified with her. (I fully identified with her on nearly everything she spoke about.) I will admit, her broken home seems like it was so much worse than the brokenness I was in.  However, the emotion she shared.. I have felt before. As she described the ways she cried out to God as a child.. it was all I could do to hold back my tears. Those emotions she felt were very raw to me.. I have felt those emotions too. I held back my tears with all of my might. I was truly afraid that if I let that dam break, I may not be able to withhold it. 

See lately, things haven't been going the way I've wanted them to. (Do they ever!? lol) I work 20-25 hours a week, have an injured back & pelvis (which keeps me from doing much around the house or having much fun with my children!), our finances are pitiful, and my heart is struggling with friendships that I'm afraid that I'm losing (because of the place I am in life now) and don't want to give up. For the last few weeks, we have struggled maritally (praise the Lord that's much better now) and emotioally, I've struggled with depression. I feel a sadness that I'm not sure where it's from.. I think it's from all of these changes in my life and I don't know where they're taking me.

I grew up in a home that was full of uncertainties. Would my parents divorce? Would I get yelled at today? At school-- would I get bullied or be the butt of another of my sister's jokes? Later it became: Would my step dad have to come home this weekend.. where everything I did was critiqued and yelled at? Would my parents fight over child support money again.. in places that we could hear? The list could go on forever. I had many uncertainties as a child. Today, my uncertainties are different. However, the "unknowns" in life still dare to frighten me. 

Our speaker today touched on so many areas of her life. She had some very uncertain moments in her life. She was very clear to tell us, "We can't do it"-- without God! "We are broken!" -- without God! He is the author of ALL things and He works ALL things to our good and His glory! What a blessing that is!! I often feel like the worst mother ever. I often have guilt from having to work so much. I often feel very alone. But God is on the Throne... and He is watching over me, holding me, comforting me, strengthening me!  I am not alone! I have Jesus Christ there and He is my Sustainer and my Healer! 

I came home and opened up my bible. I am in the book of Zechariah and Zechariah 10:1 says, "Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who makes the storm clouds. He gives showers of rain to men and plants of the field to everyone." Then verse 12 says, "I will strengthen them in the Lord and in His name they will walk, declares the Lord."

My God is a mighty God and I am so thankful to know that if I am struggling I can ask for His angels to come lift me up and they will do it. If I am feeling lonely, I can ask for comfort and He will give it. He told Zechariah that if we need something we can come to Him.. afterall it is He who is the Creator of all! I find joy in knowing that today!

It's hard for me to share my heart. It makes me feel exposed and when I get real with who I truly am, my ideas of perfection are shattered. However, I am tired of trying to show perfection. I think it's our imperfections that drive us closer together as women and as sisters in Christ. I think we all need to lay down the ideas of perfection and bare ourselves a bit exposed. Because, we can't make it and we are broken... all without Jesus Christ!

My verse for the year is fitting for such a time as this, 
Isaiah 61:10 "I delight greatly in our Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness."