A Friday Not Forgotten..

**I honestly didn't want to share this information, but I feel rather compelled to this afternoon. Maybe it will one day give comfort for someone to know my story. Maybe it's just for me to have as a remembrance. I'm not entirely sure... Just know there are some graphic, personal parts below. Consider yourself warned.**

As I write this today I feel a sense of sadness & emptiness. I'm sitting in our overstuffed chair with the ottoman pulled up close and a blanket around me as I sip Sprite. My hubby is working outside in the yard and our kids are with Andy's mom, for which I'm truly grateful.

A couple of weeks ago we realized I was pregnant! We were so excited (a little apprehensive about finances, but had many confirmations from the Lord that He would provide!) With my last 2 pregnancies we told everyone RIGHT away, but this time I told Andy I really wanted to keep it a secret for a while. Some of me just liked the idea that the two of us had a secret no one else knew about. Another part of me wanted to wait until around August 9th to reveal it, because that's my twin sister & my birthday!

I went to bed Thursday night full of pregnancy symptoms. I was laughing and telling Andy that he would be having to pull out my maternity & baby clothes out of our garage soon (which is detached & very hot) but atleast it wouldn't be in the dead of Summer. He has been complaining to me to sell some of our baby things as I have full wardrobes from newborn to 5 for girls and newborn to 3 for boys! So I told him it's a good thing I didn't sell any of it afterall!

I woke up on Friday and went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding a little bit. From what I read online this could be somewhat normal. I texted Andy (he was at work) to let him know what was going on. A couple of hours later I began having severe cramping and losing alot of blood. He came home for lunch and found me sobbing in the kitchen. I told him I think I'm losing the baby. He was very sweet & caring to me and told me not to blame myself! I am so thankful for his comforting presence & love.

Later, I texted with a friend who has been through a miscarriage and I looked online and I had all classic symptoms, aches, & pains, etc as other women who have suffered from a miscarriage. It was confirmed. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a FNP and she put me on bedrest for the weekend with plenty of fluids. I was becoming dehydrated last night, but after a late night run to Kroger for Sprite & Motrin I was doing much better by midnight.

I went to bed last night with no more pregnancy symptoms. It's amazing what 24 hours will change. I only felt weak and just an overall soreness. I woke up crying (after crying most of yesterday)... my heart is sad and feels a bit empty. If God sees fit to give us another baby then I am grateful, but if He doesn't then I'm okay with that too. We have two beautiful, healthy children that I praise God for!! For now, I am sad still tho. My FNP friend told me to grieve and that it's okay. I was between 4-6 weeks pregnant. Still very early, but she calmed my emotions by saying, "Every baby is precious to God and to Mommas." It's true.. This baby was precious to me.. I was excited for him/her!

As I've prayed and sat in silence or watched the Olympics God has spoken many things to my heart this morning. Many of which are verses or songs we sing in church. I may not have the lyrics perfect, ha! But below are a couple of things I've been singing & remembering this morning..

"Before life began, You are on the Throne, You are God alone. Right now, in the good times & bad you are on your Throne. You are God alone."

Psalm 23:4 "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close behind me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."

I know that God has a plan and a purpose in ALL things, even when we don't understand it. So I will place my trust in Him and I know that He is the author & creator of all! If you don't mind to just remember me in your prayers right now. I'm so thankful for everyone's prayers as I posted on FB yesterday that I needed prayer (with no description). May God always get glory.. For He gives.. and He takes away, (but as the song goes..) "My heart will choose to say.. Blessed be the name of the Lord."