Broken..

It has been a while since I last posted. As I sit here and think about since the last time I blogged, so many painful memories come to mind. Although, I know that God orchestrates all things to refine me, heal me, and encourage me to help others. I sit here, with a cup of hot chocolate, and a quiet house. Thankfully, Andy took our kiddos to look around Target. I am in desperate need of some quiet time alone today. I am praying for God to give me words to put all of this out on "paper" and to speak my heart. Somebody may need it, I'm not sure.

This morning, we had an amazing speaker at my MOPs group I attend. It is our last meeting of the semester and is always such a sweet time together. Kathy Tarr was our speaker. She's the founder of Fully Alive Ministries and she was dynamic! As she spoke about growing up in a broken home I fully identified with her. (I fully identified with her on nearly everything she spoke about.) I will admit, her broken home seems like it was so much worse than the brokenness I was in.  However, the emotion she shared.. I have felt before. As she described the ways she cried out to God as a child.. it was all I could do to hold back my tears. Those emotions she felt were very raw to me.. I have felt those emotions too. I held back my tears with all of my might. I was truly afraid that if I let that dam break, I may not be able to withhold it. 

See lately, things haven't been going the way I've wanted them to. (Do they ever!? lol) I work 20-25 hours a week, have an injured back & pelvis (which keeps me from doing much around the house or having much fun with my children!), our finances are pitiful, and my heart is struggling with friendships that I'm afraid that I'm losing (because of the place I am in life now) and don't want to give up. For the last few weeks, we have struggled maritally (praise the Lord that's much better now) and emotioally, I've struggled with depression. I feel a sadness that I'm not sure where it's from.. I think it's from all of these changes in my life and I don't know where they're taking me.

I grew up in a home that was full of uncertainties. Would my parents divorce? Would I get yelled at today? At school-- would I get bullied or be the butt of another of my sister's jokes? Later it became: Would my step dad have to come home this weekend.. where everything I did was critiqued and yelled at? Would my parents fight over child support money again.. in places that we could hear? The list could go on forever. I had many uncertainties as a child. Today, my uncertainties are different. However, the "unknowns" in life still dare to frighten me. 

Our speaker today touched on so many areas of her life. She had some very uncertain moments in her life. She was very clear to tell us, "We can't do it"-- without God! "We are broken!" -- without God! He is the author of ALL things and He works ALL things to our good and His glory! What a blessing that is!! I often feel like the worst mother ever. I often have guilt from having to work so much. I often feel very alone. But God is on the Throne... and He is watching over me, holding me, comforting me, strengthening me!  I am not alone! I have Jesus Christ there and He is my Sustainer and my Healer! 

I came home and opened up my bible. I am in the book of Zechariah and Zechariah 10:1 says, "Ask the Lord for rain in the springtime; it is the Lord who makes the storm clouds. He gives showers of rain to men and plants of the field to everyone." Then verse 12 says, "I will strengthen them in the Lord and in His name they will walk, declares the Lord."

My God is a mighty God and I am so thankful to know that if I am struggling I can ask for His angels to come lift me up and they will do it. If I am feeling lonely, I can ask for comfort and He will give it. He told Zechariah that if we need something we can come to Him.. afterall it is He who is the Creator of all! I find joy in knowing that today!

It's hard for me to share my heart. It makes me feel exposed and when I get real with who I truly am, my ideas of perfection are shattered. However, I am tired of trying to show perfection. I think it's our imperfections that drive us closer together as women and as sisters in Christ. I think we all need to lay down the ideas of perfection and bare ourselves a bit exposed. Because, we can't make it and we are broken... all without Jesus Christ!

My verse for the year is fitting for such a time as this, 
Isaiah 61:10 "I delight greatly in our Lord; my soul rejoices in my God. For He has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness." 

Easter Sunday

As Easter approached last week I was so excited to celebrate Jesus! Lydia is 4 and is old enough to start learning and understanding the excitement surrounding Easter. Elijah, being 2, was excited at everything going on too and understood that Jesus died on the cross. It was a sweet time!

I have to say that I also struggled last week for the time of leading up to Easter. It may seem silly, really. Last year I was in the choir at Sevier Heights. A choir of over 300 people who truly worship and love the Lord! I felt sad and was brought to tears many times throughout the week at the thought of missing Easter Sunday at Sevier Heights. Mostly, I was sad to miss out on being apart of the Celebration Choir as they worshiped our risen King! My heart ached and longed to be apart of that!

On Monday, Rachel (our Pastor's wife), called me up and asked me to help her and someone else sing for Easter. So, I agreed, and we had a nice time singing and praising the Lord in our special song for Easter! Rachel and Kathy also sang in the Celebration Choir and we understand eachother's sadness in this area of our lives. However, we also know that we serve a faithful God  who has called us to obey... and obeying is what we're doing!

So many people in the bible were called to obey without understanding. Noah was called to obey by building the ark. Moses was called to obey when he was told to lead the Israelites and he felt so inadequate in that "calling". Abraham was called to obey God by sacrificing his son, Isaac. Praise God that because of His obedience, God stopped him before he did have to sacrificed Isaac. Paul was told to spread God's word around the world with great persecution. All of these men (& families) did things that weren't easy to do, but because they followed God and obeyed Him.. God's kingdom was multiplied and blessings were given to these men.

I am trusting that God has called us to this and I am knowing that He won't leave us. He knows my sadness. He understands how hard these things can be. I prayed for God to sustain me on Easter Sunday and fulfill me where I felt empty. You know what? He did just that!! It was a beautiful service! I don't know how we sounded to the congregation on Sunday, but I know that we did our best and we did it to the glory of God and for that.. He was honored! Truly, we do serve a faithful God!

Outdoor Service! First Easter for Foothills Baptist Church!

April Goings-On!

Last week at our church plant, Foothills Baptist Church, we did a children's dedication! Most of us had dedicated our children at previous churches, but felt compelled to dedicate our children to this new church we've begun! We want to dedicate our children to our God and trust that Foothills Baptist Church will gather together and support our children and help us to raise them in the Lord!

 

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This weekend was Easter and we had alot of fun celebrating Easter and our Risen King!!!

 We died Easter Eggs, made Empty Tomb Bread, and had an Easter Egg Hunt!

The Before Picture!

Lydia loved dyeing eggs!

Her fingers turned pink from dipping her eggs in by hand!

Elijah dipped his whole hand in while dyeing his eggs!

This was his hands when he finished!

Here is the after picture! Eli liked busting the eggs open to eat the yolk after he would dye them causing quite a bit of messy fun!

And... here is their Easter baskets! They were so excited to get them!

I am feeling truly blessed by what God has given me! I'm still dealing with my back and pelvis injury. It's been quite painful and a much longer process than I ever expected. However, through it.. many blessings have come! I have found why I had so much difficulty giving birth to my children, my husband is receiving help for his neurological disorder, and our daughter is receiving the same help for some movements she is having... all because of my fall on the ice in December. Throughout this process, it's been difficult for me to do much housework or much with our children. Bending/Twisting, standing for longer than 15-20 minutes, or sitting in the same position for very long.. all create extreme pain. My husband, Andy, has been WONDERFUL and an absolute blessing to be working at his job, at our church, taking care of our home, and doing so much for our children! How thankful I am for the blessing he is in my life and for what God has given me in a husband! 

John 1:16 "From his abundance we have all received one gracious blessing after another."

Refinement

My last few days have been a conglomeration of struggles! Physically, Emotionally, & Spiritually! Then, this morning.. as I feel to be at the end of my rope I run across the blog post of one of my friends. Her Blog!  She spoke in her blog just recently about Daniel along with Shadrach, Meschach, and Abednego and their fiery furnace experience! ( Read Bible Story Here ) I just read through Daniel last week and remembered what meaning this story had to me last week.. and she really expounded on that too!

Financially, we are struggling. I was so excited when Andy went to interview for Denso yesterday. Only to find out that they didn't have any positions available, but would add him to their file of "possible employees". I had my hopes up! I had figured it all out financially and it was going to be a real blessing! We would be able to get the things we needed... and things we wanted too! I was thrilled.. I prayed with Andy before he went and I felt such peace that he would get the position! When he came home and gave me the "it's not going to happen... not for right now, anyway" I was quite devastated. 

After getting myself better together, I called and shared with my mentor. She told me, "We all go through trials. My trials are different than your trials. Right now you're in a money trial. But, if he'd gotten this position.. there would have been a new trial to go through." I knew exactly what the trial would have been. Right now Andy is part time. I get to see him alot and spend time with him. Along with my injuries from my back keeping me from being able to do much.. he has been invaluable to me. My new trial would have been not seeing him very much... our work schedules were probably going to coincide. I knew it would be a big adjustment. My mentor reminded me, "We all get refined. Sometimes, we just go through periods of being tired of being refined." That's where I am, I think. Except.. God's not there with me! lol.  He tells me in the bible He loves us too much to leave us the way we are. Well, he loves me alot (I know He does) because He's refining me alot lately! haha.

So, in thinking about my friend's blog post this morning about the story in Daniel with S, M, and A... I wonder if they ever asked, "God? Exactly.. how long do you think this is going to take? Because I have stuff to do!" I don't know.. maybe they did. I tend to think they just relaxed and enjoyed the site.. enjoyed the "refining" because they knew that out of this refinement.. God was going to give them an amazing story, an amazing testimony, and they would come out  of the fiery furnace better than ever! They would be able to proclaim just how great & awesome our God is!

I am still in quite a bit of physical pain, which is wearing on me. People I love seem to think it's okay to tell me whatever they think about me or my life without any regard to my feelings from their comments. Their words pierce me and often paralyze me. I am learning to stand up. I am trying to set boundaries... I admit, it's not easy and I need to get strong enough in myself and in my God to do this! God is bringing me through these fires to make me a better person... He created me uniquely and with a purpose. However, His purpose for me, comes out of His refinement of me. 

Zechariah 13:9 "I will refine them as silver is refined and test them as gold is tested. They will call on My name, and I will answer them. I will say: They are My people, and they will say: The LORD is our God."

Sarah

Since we moved in to our new house in October last year (2010) my family has been wanting a dog. Andy and I both grew up with dogs. We had dogs when we first got married and when Lydia was born and began antagonizing them they didn't like it and they started growling at her, snapping at her, and eventually one of them bit her. We found wonderful new homes for them and haven't had any animals since. I have to be honest... I've enjoyed not having someone else to care for. However, I have constantly been reminded how much "the kids" would love having a dog.. says Andy! haha

I began thinking a few days ago about a dog, however. The weather was pretty and our children do love playing outside so much! This got me thinking, this time of year would be an easy time to house train a new pet. So, today, when my aunt posted on FB about a fundraiser for pets with adoptable dogs, we decided to go take a look! This is when we found Ocito. She is a young Jack Russell Mixed dog and is very sweet, calm, and very quiet! We really liked her!