Yesterday was a physically painful day. Today is an emotionally painful day. While I'm thankful that much of the physical pain has subsided.. I have had much grieving & mourning this day. Today, I really feel the emptiness & sadness of losing this precious little one. I want to hope that maybe everything is okay, but then I have to keep reality that everything isn't okay. The baby is in Heaven now... no longer with me. That's hard to remember sometimes.
I still feel little twinges in my pelvis area like I was feeling when I was pregnant. It's hard to feel those again (I am not sure why I'm still feeling them..) and then I remember that the baby isn't there anymore.
I was in the middle of looking for a new doctor's office when all of this occurred. So I'm going to contact a new office tomorrow (Monday) and see if they'll take me on at this point. I hope they will and I can go get checked out to make sure that everything has passed.
My heart still aches, but I know my God is faithful. I know that if it's God's will that I can be pregnant again one day. If He chooses for me not to be pregnant again one day, then He will give me the grace & peace I need to end that chapter of my life.
Homeschooling starts tomorrow and I'm not feeling quite up to it. Hopefully, tomorrow I will feel better and more capable of doing all that I need to do. In the meantime, my rest & my hope lies in the hands of Jesus. The exact hands that now hold my baby. The exact hands that hold the world together. I praise Jesus that I will have that sweet baby to meet again one day in Heaven.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Saturday, July 28, 2012
A Friday Not Forgotten..
**I honestly didn't want to share this information, but I feel rather compelled to this afternoon. Maybe it will one day give comfort for someone to know my story. Maybe it's just for me to have as a remembrance. I'm not entirely sure... Just know there are some graphic, personal parts below. Consider yourself warned.**
As I write this today I feel a sense of sadness & emptiness. I'm sitting in our overstuffed chair with the ottoman pulled up close and a blanket around me as I sip Sprite. My hubby is working outside in the yard and our kids are with Andy's mom, for which I'm truly grateful.
A couple of weeks ago we realized I was pregnant! We were so excited (a little apprehensive about finances, but had many confirmations from the Lord that He would provide!) With my last 2 pregnancies we told everyone RIGHT away, but this time I told Andy I really wanted to keep it a secret for a while. Some of me just liked the idea that the two of us had a secret no one else knew about. Another part of me wanted to wait until around August 9th to reveal it, because that's my twin sister & my birthday!
I went to bed Thursday night full of pregnancy symptoms. I was laughing and telling Andy that he would be having to pull out my maternity & baby clothes out of our garage soon (which is detached & very hot) but atleast it wouldn't be in the dead of Summer. He has been complaining to me to sell some of our baby things as I have full wardrobes from newborn to 5 for girls and newborn to 3 for boys! So I told him it's a good thing I didn't sell any of it afterall!
I woke up on Friday and went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding a little bit. From what I read online this could be somewhat normal. I texted Andy (he was at work) to let him know what was going on. A couple of hours later I began having severe cramping and losing alot of blood. He came home for lunch and found me sobbing in the kitchen. I told him I think I'm losing the baby. He was very sweet & caring to me and told me not to blame myself! I am so thankful for his comforting presence & love.
Later, I texted with a friend who has been through a miscarriage and I looked online and I had all classic symptoms, aches, & pains, etc as other women who have suffered from a miscarriage. It was confirmed. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a FNP and she put me on bedrest for the weekend with plenty of fluids. I was becoming dehydrated last night, but after a late night run to Kroger for Sprite & Motrin I was doing much better by midnight.
I went to bed last night with no more pregnancy symptoms. It's amazing what 24 hours will change. I only felt weak and just an overall soreness. I woke up crying (after crying most of yesterday)... my heart is sad and feels a bit empty. If God sees fit to give us another baby then I am grateful, but if He doesn't then I'm okay with that too. We have two beautiful, healthy children that I praise God for!! For now, I am sad still tho. My FNP friend told me to grieve and that it's okay. I was between 4-6 weeks pregnant. Still very early, but she calmed my emotions by saying, "Every baby is precious to God and to Mommas." It's true.. This baby was precious to me.. I was excited for him/her!
As I've prayed and sat in silence or watched the Olympics God has spoken many things to my heart this morning. Many of which are verses or songs we sing in church. I may not have the lyrics perfect, ha! But below are a couple of things I've been singing & remembering this morning..
"Before life began, You are on the Throne, You are God alone. Right now, in the good times & bad you are on your Throne. You are God alone."
Psalm 23:4 "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close behind me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."
I know that God has a plan and a purpose in ALL things, even when we don't understand it. So I will place my trust in Him and I know that He is the author & creator of all! If you don't mind to just remember me in your prayers right now. I'm so thankful for everyone's prayers as I posted on FB yesterday that I needed prayer (with no description). May God always get glory.. For He gives.. and He takes away, (but as the song goes..) "My heart will choose to say.. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
As I write this today I feel a sense of sadness & emptiness. I'm sitting in our overstuffed chair with the ottoman pulled up close and a blanket around me as I sip Sprite. My hubby is working outside in the yard and our kids are with Andy's mom, for which I'm truly grateful.
A couple of weeks ago we realized I was pregnant! We were so excited (a little apprehensive about finances, but had many confirmations from the Lord that He would provide!) With my last 2 pregnancies we told everyone RIGHT away, but this time I told Andy I really wanted to keep it a secret for a while. Some of me just liked the idea that the two of us had a secret no one else knew about. Another part of me wanted to wait until around August 9th to reveal it, because that's my twin sister & my birthday!
I went to bed Thursday night full of pregnancy symptoms. I was laughing and telling Andy that he would be having to pull out my maternity & baby clothes out of our garage soon (which is detached & very hot) but atleast it wouldn't be in the dead of Summer. He has been complaining to me to sell some of our baby things as I have full wardrobes from newborn to 5 for girls and newborn to 3 for boys! So I told him it's a good thing I didn't sell any of it afterall!
I woke up on Friday and went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding a little bit. From what I read online this could be somewhat normal. I texted Andy (he was at work) to let him know what was going on. A couple of hours later I began having severe cramping and losing alot of blood. He came home for lunch and found me sobbing in the kitchen. I told him I think I'm losing the baby. He was very sweet & caring to me and told me not to blame myself! I am so thankful for his comforting presence & love.
Later, I texted with a friend who has been through a miscarriage and I looked online and I had all classic symptoms, aches, & pains, etc as other women who have suffered from a miscarriage. It was confirmed. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a FNP and she put me on bedrest for the weekend with plenty of fluids. I was becoming dehydrated last night, but after a late night run to Kroger for Sprite & Motrin I was doing much better by midnight.
I went to bed last night with no more pregnancy symptoms. It's amazing what 24 hours will change. I only felt weak and just an overall soreness. I woke up crying (after crying most of yesterday)... my heart is sad and feels a bit empty. If God sees fit to give us another baby then I am grateful, but if He doesn't then I'm okay with that too. We have two beautiful, healthy children that I praise God for!! For now, I am sad still tho. My FNP friend told me to grieve and that it's okay. I was between 4-6 weeks pregnant. Still very early, but she calmed my emotions by saying, "Every baby is precious to God and to Mommas." It's true.. This baby was precious to me.. I was excited for him/her!
As I've prayed and sat in silence or watched the Olympics God has spoken many things to my heart this morning. Many of which are verses or songs we sing in church. I may not have the lyrics perfect, ha! But below are a couple of things I've been singing & remembering this morning..
"Before life began, You are on the Throne, You are God alone. Right now, in the good times & bad you are on your Throne. You are God alone."
Psalm 23:4 "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close behind me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."
I know that God has a plan and a purpose in ALL things, even when we don't understand it. So I will place my trust in Him and I know that He is the author & creator of all! If you don't mind to just remember me in your prayers right now. I'm so thankful for everyone's prayers as I posted on FB yesterday that I needed prayer (with no description). May God always get glory.. For He gives.. and He takes away, (but as the song goes..) "My heart will choose to say.. Blessed be the name of the Lord."
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
I posted this on Facebook and ended up with almost 40 comments. Some agreed and others did not. I want to post it on here too as a reminder to anyone who read my blog to make sure that we as women do all we can to protect our marriages!
"Ok friends.. I feel compelled to climb aboard my soapbox this morning. It won't be long, I promise! I'm not condemning or chastising anyone for your actions.. That is not my mission. I just want to bring light & truth to something. Many people have read 50 Shades of Grey and I can't understand the hype of reading pornography and erotica. It's not good for our marriages. Then Magic Mike came out last night and I'm saddened at hearing how many people are attending this movie. Not because I'm so religious I can't find the fun in things, but because.. If this idea of strippers was turned around I would be heartbroken for my hubby to go! If he went to a movie like that I would feel that I could never measure up, I would feel very ugly in comparison and that would hinder our relationship. Matthew 5:28 says "But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart." This applies to women too! Do we think just because we are women that we are immune to such sins as sexual lust & adultery? Aren't our marriages more than this?? Women of faith, I beg you.. Really pray and seek the Lord.. Is reading these books and watching these movies building up your marriage or slowly eroding its foundation? It's worth thinking about! Satan wants to destroy our marriages, and currently I believe he's using 50 Shades of Grey & Magic Mike to do just this! And ask yourself.. If my hubby looked at playboy and watched a pornographic (in nature) movie.. How would that make me feel as a woman? Ok.. That's all I have to say.. I have slid down from the Soapbox and my plea is over. I love you dear friends and I hope you've heard my heart in this as one of love & concern for our marriages in America!!"
Written by me on June 30, 2012 and posted on Facebook
"Ok friends.. I feel compelled to climb aboard my soapbox this morning. It won't be long, I promise! I'm not condemning or chastising anyone for your actions.. That is not my mission. I just want to bring light & truth to something. Many people have read 50 Shades of Grey and I can't understand the hype of reading pornography and erotica. It's not good for our marriages. Then Magic Mike came out last night and I'm saddened at hearing how many people are attending this movie. Not because I'm so religious I can't find the fun in things, but because.. If this idea of strippers was turned around I would be heartbroken for my hubby to go! If he went to a movie like that I would feel that I could never measure up, I would feel very ugly in comparison and that would hinder our relationship. Matthew 5:28 says "But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart." This applies to women too! Do we think just because we are women that we are immune to such sins as sexual lust & adultery? Aren't our marriages more than this?? Women of faith, I beg you.. Really pray and seek the Lord.. Is reading these books and watching these movies building up your marriage or slowly eroding its foundation? It's worth thinking about! Satan wants to destroy our marriages, and currently I believe he's using 50 Shades of Grey & Magic Mike to do just this! And ask yourself.. If my hubby looked at playboy and watched a pornographic (in nature) movie.. How would that make me feel as a woman? Ok.. That's all I have to say.. I have slid down from the Soapbox and my plea is over. I love you dear friends and I hope you've heard my heart in this as one of love & concern for our marriages in America!!"
Written by me on June 30, 2012 and posted on Facebook
Summer Fun
Well, we are about halfway through the Summer! We start back our official year for homeschooling on July 30th! I want to start early so we can do 6 weeks of school and then 1 week of break! This will also give us the whole month of December off, so we can enjoy the Christmas season!! I want to share some of the fun things we are doing! I will say we've gone to Splash Country several times, but I haven't gotten a picture for that yet! Nonetheless, here is some of our fun!!
After a carnival at church with a Titanic-like slide, we shared with Lydia & Elijah what happened on the Titanic! This is Elijah's rendition of what happened!!
There is still much fun to be had this Summer Season!! We are really enjoying it!!
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| Eli learned to spell his name.. it's just not in order, hehe! |
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| We got a van! Praise the Lord!! |
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| We visited Wildwood Organic Farm! We got to pet the Alpaca's & Chickens, see the Pigs & Horses, and much more! |
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| Eating Ice Cream at Menchies! Tuesdays- Kids Eat Free!! |
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| First Lost Tooth!! May 2012!!! |
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| Many fun times at the Splash Pad! This is with our cousin, Tyson! |
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| Too many slip n slide days! This is their first time of the Season! |
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| On our way home from Splash Country!! They are WORN OUT!! |
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| Chickfila play dates with great friends. This time is with our good friend, Marianne! |
There is still much fun to be had this Summer Season!! We are really enjoying it!!
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