Father's Day

Father's Day is always bittersweet for me. Bitter because my dad hasn't always been there for me. Sweet because my husband is an awesome dad! I make a great effort to really celebrate Andy on Father's Day. He is so selfless and so loving to our children! He works hard all day and comes home to let them climb all over him & wrestle. He will read to them, play video games with them, or even play on the Slip n Slide with them!!

He has taken on so much since I was put on bedrest 8 weeks ago. He is doing the shopping, taking care of our home & our children, cooking when meals aren't provided for us, and taking me to all my Dr's appointments. I am SO thankful for this wonderful man that God has given me!! 

When I was growing up, my dad was alot of fun! Not big on discipline, but very attentive to our needs as young children. He took us to the pool almost daily in the Summertime, he took us to music lessons, we went on "Daddy Dates" where we would go to the bowling alley, batting cages, or the movie theatre. These almost always resorted in going to Sonic for cheesticks or Weigel's for Icee's too! Those days were fun!!!

After some marital problems, our parents divorced the Summer we turned 12. It was a very difficult time for us. Even though parents say you don't have to choose sides.. from the moment our dad moved out of our family home.. we would forever be choosing sides. Even now, at 28 years old.. we have to choose sides.

 Fast forward five years...I went through a very difficult time when I turned 17. My mom had just divorced again from an abusive husband. My dad was in the process of another divorce with a woman I dearly loved and thought of as another Mom. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me. I was dealing with way too much bullying at school which started with rumors & giggles from my twin sister. I felt cast aside.. and all alone. In fact, I planned to graduate high school early.. desperate to enter the "adult world" and escape the heartaches of childhood I was experiencing. 

It was at 17 that my dad threatened to disown me as his daughter which he stated would also mean removing me from his Will. Everything I did that he didn't "approve of" he would say, "And that's why your boyfriend broke up with you.." and other hurtful things such as this. I was quickly becoming bitter towards my father. Feeling so desperately alone and in a place of suicide. I (fortunately) couldn't bring myself to cause bodily harm. However, as I traveled a 2 lane road & 45 minute commute every day to school or work which was a major route for 18 wheeler trucks.. I would beg & plead with God. I would pray that one would lose control and hit my car allowing me to die. Every truck I passed the entire 45 minutes. With each one that safely passed I would break further into tears and ask God, "Why?" Why couldn't he just let me die?

I was almost 18 when I met Andy. In fact, our second date was for my 18th birthday. He was so quiet and had a peace about him. He was very comforting and listened to my heartaches. He held me tight as I cried more than once on his shoulder. He would pray with me and love me unconditionally.. in a way that was very foreign to me at the age of 17.. almost 18. It didn't take me long to feel as if this man was the one I would marry. Andy proposed to me 2 months later and we married 8 months after that. We just celebrated our 10th Anniversary! Has it always been easy? Absolutely not! There have been 2-3 times we could have easily called it quits! Have we grown up together? Most certainly! I was 18 & he was 21 when we married. We have truly grown together.. as people and in the Lord! Do I feel as if Andy rescued me out of my family situation? Absolutely, positively, without a doubt!! He showed me agape love.. when nobody else could! 

Now, more than 10 years later.. my dad and I have reconciled. He isn't the first person I call when I have good or bad news. However, I do call him 1-2 times a week. I've had to forgive him in more ways than one.. and even ask his forgiveness for being so bitter towards him. I've learned that just as a non-prosthetic amputee cannot run a marathon... my dad cannot always be the dad I wish he was. 

It's been a long road, but I can accept where God has brought me from and know that even though my dad isn't maybe what I wish I had in a father.. I have a Heavenly Father who LOVES & ADORES me! He considers me to be a masterpiece. Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."  I can rejoice, because my Father in Heaven also gave me a wonderful husband who dearly loves our children and I get to celebrate Andy and my Heavenly Father on Father's Day!

Psalm 103:13 "The Lord is like a Father to His children; tender & compassionate to all who fear Him."

A Christmas Miracle

I feel compelled to write down the journey I've been on over the last few weeks. It's been one of many highs and great lows, but ultimately one that ends in joy!!

The day before Thanksgiving (November 21st) we found out I am pregnant!



This was a surprise to me as I had been diagnosed with PCOS which is a metabolic/hormone disorder that can cause infertility. We were so excited about being pregnant that I couldn't stand it and we told our kiddos on Thanksgiving day at breakfast! They were so elated that our sweet, tender hearted little Lydia started crying with "happy tears" as she called them. Elijah immediately wanted to know if we're having a boy or a girl! Then under no uncertain terms he tells us he only wants a girl.. not a boy. (Truth is-- he doesn't want to share his room, lol!)

The day or so afterwards I told them we would have to think of a name for our new baby! I told them a few I've liked for a long time. They didn't like ANY of the boy names, because they are convinced we are having a girl and will not even think of boy names. After a few girl names Elijah exclaims, "We don't get to name our baby, Momma. God does!" We had just been studying in our Bible time about the Angel coming to Zechariah & Elizabeth and told them their baby's name would be John. Then an Angel appeared to Mary & Joseph and told them their baby would be named Jesus. So he was convinced this sort of thing would happen to us too. I didn't think much about his comment (other than the sweetness of it) until much later...

I went to my first appointment last Thursday, November 29th. When I went I should have been around 7 1/2 weeks along. They did the Ultrasound and the sac only measured 6 weeks. There was no heartbeat.. there was no baby. I was devastated, because Lydia & Elijah had both been spotted on Ultrasound just prior to 6 weeks gestation. They did my hcg levels and they were at 60,000. The nurse explained that a baby should most definitely be visible with levels that high. They put me on Progesterone to help prevent miscarriage just to be safe. As I did research on all of this, the term Blighted Ovum kept arising. Which would end up in miscarriage or a D&C because baby would have stopped developing.

Needless to say, I've been very concerned and very much a "basket case" over the last week. I had a miscarriage in July, and I truly did not want to have to go through all of that again. So I desperately sought out prayer from friends & family and I know it's through their prayers that I've made it through this difficult week. So while I drank in the peace of their prayers, let me share with you all that God spoke to my heart over this last week. It's pretty cool, in my opinion!!

First off, the name Zoey kept coming to my mind. Anytime I'd pray for this baby, the name Zoey would pop up in my head (which I do not find to be a coincidence!) If you look up the name Zoey you will see it's a derivative of  Zoe which in the Greek means Life! So, I clung to this, but I wasn't sure if this meant Life with us here on earth, or eternal life with Jesus. Either way it gave me peace and grace to know that our sweet baby was in His hands!

On Sunday, a friend handed me a note card with the verses 1 John 5:14-15 written on it. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." This friend knew I was having a difficult time right now, but she didn't know the reason. She handed it to me prior to the church service.
Then, during the service that morning we learned about how the Angel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid" and that spoke so deeply into my heart (even tho it's a phrase I've heard all my life!!) I knew the Lord was speaking it to me that morning! Then, Andy was teaching in Bible Fellowship Class about when Joshua was leading the Israelites into Canaan and there were giants and they were all so worried, but God spoke and said, "Do not be afraid. I will never leave you nor forsake you." Once again, it pierced my heart!!
That evening as I was telling some friends on FB about the verses 1 John 5:14-15 from that morning.. I opened up my Bible App to get the exact words. The verse of the day (I cannot for the life of me find the passage now!) but it said, "You have not done this before. Pray and ask this in my name and it will be given to you with joyful abundance." I cried out to the Lord and prayed for God to breathe life into this child of ours. Once again, the name Zoey came to my heart & mind. Which I shared with Andy.. I had not shared all of the spiritual part of this with him, until that moment. He said, "If it's a girl.. we will name her Zoey."
Last night, I was praying with our kids before bed. I told them I had an ultrasound today that would tell us if our baby was okay. They knew there has been some health issues surrounding the pregnancy. They've heard me tell a few people about my "Zoey" story and how I have been clinging to God's strength & mercy because of how He keeps giving me this name. Then, Elijah said after our prayers last night, "Mommy.. see.. God did name our baby. He named her Zoey. That's how we know it's a girl." It was profound!! How awesome is that?! So we prayed for our Zoey baby!

Today, we went to the Dr's office and my stomach was in knots and my hands were shaking as she performed the Ultrasound. She explained to me she cannot tell me anything and she cannot explain anything to me. However, if there is a baby with a heartbeat, then she can speak of that. At first.. the sac was empty again. My heart began to sink, but then I saw a sparkle on the screen. She moved the wand and lo & behold there was the baby. I didn't see a heartbeat though. She magnified the screen, and said.. "Look here!" The heartbeat was 153 bpm... and then she high-fived me.. she knew my anguish and my sadness from the last ultrasound she had performed! God is so good and I shared with her my story about "Zoey". She told me there's no way she could do her job as an ultrasonographer and not believe in God!

What a blessing.. what an early Christmas present for us this is, and what joy fills my heart over our sweet "Zoey baby".. thank you ALL so much for your prayers! It sustained me through this week, and I have no doubt that it was so many prayers that led to us seeing this sweet baby on ultrasound with a strong, healthy heartbeat today!

"She" is 8 weeks gestation and due on July 15th! I feel SO blessed to have this miracle as apart of my testimony and to know that Jesus truly carried me through this week!!!

 (For those who aren't familiar with Ultrasounds..the black "hole" is the baby's sac. This was all we saw last week.. an empty black "hole". The little white part inside the black hole (on the right) is the baby that is there today!

Still Learning Boundaries

In Bible Fellowship yesterday a Couple gave their testimony. The wife spoke about how her life had so many points of redemption in it. Her life was characterized by redemption. I can completely relate to that, because I feel much the same way!! I've had many heartaches in my life, many disappointments, and many times of frustrations.. but those times have usually led to a season of redemption.

Over the years I've realized more and more that I have a true desire to please people and a true desire to represent perfection. These character traits have been so damaging to me as a person. Why? Because I often desire to please people more than please God. I will allow myself to be in bad situations over and over again, because I'm too reluctant to speak up for fear of hurting someone's feelings. The odd thing about this is that the people I'm around have no problem sharing with me what they think I "should" do, "should not" do, or need to be doing different. So I leave those situations feeling completely defeated, like a failure, and very unworthy.

Doesn't God expect more of us than this?? Yes, He absolutely does!! "The bible is full of examples of God asking people to 'leave behind' the people and lives that are not good for them. He asked the Israelites to leave Egypt to have a better life, but many of them kept looking back, holding on to what they thought was better. When Lot and his wife left Sodom, the warning was to not look back, yet she did, and turned to salt." -Boundaries

Nothing has changed in 2000+years. We are still called to leave unhealthy relationships. To leave unhealthy situations behind. To count ourselves as children of God and trust that He will lead the way ahead of us. This is super difficult for me, but I must do this. I know that as I learn boundaries more in my life.. Redemption will come in this as well! Will you pray for me? What about you... Do you have areas of your life that you need to set boundaries and trust in the Lord? Maybe we can keep eachother accountable!