A Christmas Miracle

I feel compelled to write down the journey I've been on over the last few weeks. It's been one of many highs and great lows, but ultimately one that ends in joy!!

The day before Thanksgiving (November 21st) we found out I am pregnant!



This was a surprise to me as I had been diagnosed with PCOS which is a metabolic/hormone disorder that can cause infertility. We were so excited about being pregnant that I couldn't stand it and we told our kiddos on Thanksgiving day at breakfast! They were so elated that our sweet, tender hearted little Lydia started crying with "happy tears" as she called them. Elijah immediately wanted to know if we're having a boy or a girl! Then under no uncertain terms he tells us he only wants a girl.. not a boy. (Truth is-- he doesn't want to share his room, lol!)

The day or so afterwards I told them we would have to think of a name for our new baby! I told them a few I've liked for a long time. They didn't like ANY of the boy names, because they are convinced we are having a girl and will not even think of boy names. After a few girl names Elijah exclaims, "We don't get to name our baby, Momma. God does!" We had just been studying in our Bible time about the Angel coming to Zechariah & Elizabeth and told them their baby's name would be John. Then an Angel appeared to Mary & Joseph and told them their baby would be named Jesus. So he was convinced this sort of thing would happen to us too. I didn't think much about his comment (other than the sweetness of it) until much later...

I went to my first appointment last Thursday, November 29th. When I went I should have been around 7 1/2 weeks along. They did the Ultrasound and the sac only measured 6 weeks. There was no heartbeat.. there was no baby. I was devastated, because Lydia & Elijah had both been spotted on Ultrasound just prior to 6 weeks gestation. They did my hcg levels and they were at 60,000. The nurse explained that a baby should most definitely be visible with levels that high. They put me on Progesterone to help prevent miscarriage just to be safe. As I did research on all of this, the term Blighted Ovum kept arising. Which would end up in miscarriage or a D&C because baby would have stopped developing.

Needless to say, I've been very concerned and very much a "basket case" over the last week. I had a miscarriage in July, and I truly did not want to have to go through all of that again. So I desperately sought out prayer from friends & family and I know it's through their prayers that I've made it through this difficult week. So while I drank in the peace of their prayers, let me share with you all that God spoke to my heart over this last week. It's pretty cool, in my opinion!!

First off, the name Zoey kept coming to my mind. Anytime I'd pray for this baby, the name Zoey would pop up in my head (which I do not find to be a coincidence!) If you look up the name Zoey you will see it's a derivative of  Zoe which in the Greek means Life! So, I clung to this, but I wasn't sure if this meant Life with us here on earth, or eternal life with Jesus. Either way it gave me peace and grace to know that our sweet baby was in His hands!

On Sunday, a friend handed me a note card with the verses 1 John 5:14-15 written on it. This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us—whatever we ask—we know that we have what we asked of him." This friend knew I was having a difficult time right now, but she didn't know the reason. She handed it to me prior to the church service.
Then, during the service that morning we learned about how the Angel appeared to Mary and said, "Do not be afraid" and that spoke so deeply into my heart (even tho it's a phrase I've heard all my life!!) I knew the Lord was speaking it to me that morning! Then, Andy was teaching in Bible Fellowship Class about when Joshua was leading the Israelites into Canaan and there were giants and they were all so worried, but God spoke and said, "Do not be afraid. I will never leave you nor forsake you." Once again, it pierced my heart!!
That evening as I was telling some friends on FB about the verses 1 John 5:14-15 from that morning.. I opened up my Bible App to get the exact words. The verse of the day (I cannot for the life of me find the passage now!) but it said, "You have not done this before. Pray and ask this in my name and it will be given to you with joyful abundance." I cried out to the Lord and prayed for God to breathe life into this child of ours. Once again, the name Zoey came to my heart & mind. Which I shared with Andy.. I had not shared all of the spiritual part of this with him, until that moment. He said, "If it's a girl.. we will name her Zoey."
Last night, I was praying with our kids before bed. I told them I had an ultrasound today that would tell us if our baby was okay. They knew there has been some health issues surrounding the pregnancy. They've heard me tell a few people about my "Zoey" story and how I have been clinging to God's strength & mercy because of how He keeps giving me this name. Then, Elijah said after our prayers last night, "Mommy.. see.. God did name our baby. He named her Zoey. That's how we know it's a girl." It was profound!! How awesome is that?! So we prayed for our Zoey baby!

Today, we went to the Dr's office and my stomach was in knots and my hands were shaking as she performed the Ultrasound. She explained to me she cannot tell me anything and she cannot explain anything to me. However, if there is a baby with a heartbeat, then she can speak of that. At first.. the sac was empty again. My heart began to sink, but then I saw a sparkle on the screen. She moved the wand and lo & behold there was the baby. I didn't see a heartbeat though. She magnified the screen, and said.. "Look here!" The heartbeat was 153 bpm... and then she high-fived me.. she knew my anguish and my sadness from the last ultrasound she had performed! God is so good and I shared with her my story about "Zoey". She told me there's no way she could do her job as an ultrasonographer and not believe in God!

What a blessing.. what an early Christmas present for us this is, and what joy fills my heart over our sweet "Zoey baby".. thank you ALL so much for your prayers! It sustained me through this week, and I have no doubt that it was so many prayers that led to us seeing this sweet baby on ultrasound with a strong, healthy heartbeat today!

"She" is 8 weeks gestation and due on July 15th! I feel SO blessed to have this miracle as apart of my testimony and to know that Jesus truly carried me through this week!!!

 (For those who aren't familiar with Ultrasounds..the black "hole" is the baby's sac. This was all we saw last week.. an empty black "hole". The little white part inside the black hole (on the right) is the baby that is there today!

Clothed with Strength & Dignity

I've blogged a couple of times already about what God is teaching me in terms of boundaries in my life. A few weeks ago (I'm a bit late in my blogging!) God truly spoke to me through a story in 1 Kings about Bathsheba & King Solomon. Wow-- people think the Old Testament is boring? Friends, it truly is FULL of wisdom and abundant in God's truths! The more of the Old Testament that I read the more I am drawn to it! It's incredible how the Lord works... at the exact time that I needed to hear God's truths about boundaries He had me in 1 Kings 2.

So this is what happened:

2 Kings 2:13-17

¹³ One day Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, came to see Bathsheba, Solomon’s mother. “Have you come with peaceful intentions?” she asked him.

“Yes,” he said, “I come in peace. ¹⁴ In fact, I have a favor to ask of you.”

“What is it?” she asked.

¹⁵ He replied, “As you know, the kingdom was rightfully mine; all Israel wanted me to be the next king. But the tables were turned, and the kingdom went to my brother [Solomon, whose mother was Bathsheba*] instead; for that is the way the Lord wanted it. ¹⁶ So now I have just one favor to ask of you. Please don’t turn me down.”

“What is it?” she asked.

¹⁷ He replied, “Speak to King Solomon on my behalf, for I know he will do anything you request. Ask him to let me marry Abishag, the girl from Shunem.”

*added for further explanation

Let me create a side note here to explain that in 1 Kings 1 David was very old and very cold. They brought in a virgin girl to be with him. Their relationship was never consummated, although she was considered a concubine. She only waited on him and laid with him to keep him warm. Her name was Abishag, the girl that Adonijah wanted to marry.

So Bathsheba appeared before King Solomon requesting a favor... 

1 Kings 2:21-24

²¹ “Then let your brother Adonijah marry Abishag, the girl from Shunem,” she replied.
²² “How can you possibly ask me to give Abishag to Adonijah?” King Solomon demanded. “You might as well ask me to give him the kingdom! You know that he is my older brother, and that he has Abiathar the priest and Joab son of Zeruiah on his side.”
²³ Then King Solomon made a vow before the Lord: “May God strike me and even kill me if Adonijah has not sealed his fate with this request. ²⁴ The Lord has confirmed me and placed me on the throne of my father, David; he has established my dynasty as he promised. So as surely as the Lord lives, Adonijah will die this very day!”

As you read this you might be thinking Solomon is a little over zealous in his words & actions, right? I thought, "Wow! That seems a bit harsh!"

At first things may seem harsh on the front end. People may think we (as boundary setters) are being ridiculous, unreasonable, or maybe self-serving. I've been told "That's not very Christian of you" or ".. And you call yourself a Christian" or "Maybe you should pray about that before you follow through with it, because what is God telling you to do?"  More on this in a minute..

Then, I decided to delve a bit further into this by reading a commentary on these scriptures! After reading the commentary, I realized in those days when a king dies.. the new reigning king will inherit everything from the former king.. including all wives & concubines. So, now it stands to reason that since Adonijah came before Bathsheba asking for one of David's concubines (Adonijah) that he was trying to manipulate his brother. He wanted what he considered to be his: the throne! 

1 Kings 1:7  tells us that Adonijah had Joab's military and Abiathar, the priest, supporting his own claim to the throne. So if he got one of his Father's concubines then that would strengthen his claim with the people to be made king.

So, even though he was able to trick Bathesheba into thinking he deserved Abishag, nothing slipped past Solomon!! Adonijah's greedy, sneaky, & self-serving behavior led him straight into execution. 

So just as in 1 Kings 3 Solomon asks the Lord for wisdom.. I am now asking the Lord for discernment. I don't want to be so easily manipulated or deceived like Bathsheba was.

I am often put into situations where I feel overwhelmed and uncertain how to react when my boundaries are tested. I want to be more firm in my boundaries like King Solomon was. Because, having boundaries isn't ungodly or unchristian.. it is exactly the opposite! When my boundaries are tested and I allow others to trample my boundaries, then my emotional well-being is rocked. In order for my faith to remain strong, my God-seeking desires to remain firm, and my emotional well-being remain unshaken then I must set boundaries for myself (and my family!)  

My biggest concern for boundary setting is 2 things!

1) I will disappoint/hurt the other person

2) I will experience rejection from said person

**Even tho allowing others to trample my boundary may hurt me or cause me harm, I've often set those feelings aside to please the other person. Sadly, it often seems that other person, undoubtedly, has no regard to my feelings in the matter.**

But the Lord tells me that in Proverbs 31:25 that I am clothed in strength and dignity. So if this is the truth and God only speaks truth (John 3:33) then I must believe that I should be more concerned with my boundaries. I am able to love myself in this way, because God first loved me (1 John 4:19). I desire to allow myself the grace & courage I need, so that I have the strength & dignity He has clothed me in!

How about you? Maybe you need to make this a priority in your own life too.. We can pray together for God to give us wisdom & discernment with our boundary setting. Through such prayers, we will no longer see ourselves as others see us, but see ourselves the way God created us to be as women: clothed with strength & dignity! (Prov 31:25)

Proverbs 31:25 "She is clothed with strength and dignity; 

and she laughs without fear of the future."

Still Learning Boundaries

In Bible Fellowship yesterday a Couple gave their testimony. The wife spoke about how her life had so many points of redemption in it. Her life was characterized by redemption. I can completely relate to that, because I feel much the same way!! I've had many heartaches in my life, many disappointments, and many times of frustrations.. but those times have usually led to a season of redemption.

Over the years I've realized more and more that I have a true desire to please people and a true desire to represent perfection. These character traits have been so damaging to me as a person. Why? Because I often desire to please people more than please God. I will allow myself to be in bad situations over and over again, because I'm too reluctant to speak up for fear of hurting someone's feelings. The odd thing about this is that the people I'm around have no problem sharing with me what they think I "should" do, "should not" do, or need to be doing different. So I leave those situations feeling completely defeated, like a failure, and very unworthy.

Doesn't God expect more of us than this?? Yes, He absolutely does!! "The bible is full of examples of God asking people to 'leave behind' the people and lives that are not good for them. He asked the Israelites to leave Egypt to have a better life, but many of them kept looking back, holding on to what they thought was better. When Lot and his wife left Sodom, the warning was to not look back, yet she did, and turned to salt." -Boundaries

Nothing has changed in 2000+years. We are still called to leave unhealthy relationships. To leave unhealthy situations behind. To count ourselves as children of God and trust that He will lead the way ahead of us. This is super difficult for me, but I must do this. I know that as I learn boundaries more in my life.. Redemption will come in this as well! Will you pray for me? What about you... Do you have areas of your life that you need to set boundaries and trust in the Lord? Maybe we can keep eachother accountable!

More Summer Fun

We've had a very fun Summer.. Here are some more highlights of our last 1/2 of the Summer

 Summer Activities!!

Fun at the Park!

After a fun morning at The Bounce House!!

Hanging Together Outside & Playing in the Water Hose!

Tea Party in our PJ's (It's actually hot chocolate!)

    

Lydia lost her 2nd tooth!!

Our Last Trip to Splash Country for Summer 2012!!

Now, we are looking forward to Elijah's 4th Birthday in a couple of days!!

3 Weeks Post Miscarriage

Many people have been asking me how I'm doing at a little over 3 weeks past my miscarriage. I want to write and let you all know that I'm feeling SO much better! God has been so incredibly faithful to me in this.

My miscarriage happened on a Friday, after not feeling well on that Thursday. Over a week later, on Sunday, I was struggling. Physically & emotionally! My heart was SO heavy and I was buying into Satan's lies, "This won't get any better" and "You're all alone in how you feel" and other like lies. I was disheartened, weepy, and just exhausted from all of the emotions.

Andy had to work that Sunday morning. On my way home from church my dear friend & mentor called me and said she just felt like she needed to call me and see if I was okay. I broke down and told her, "I'm not doing well at all. I'm on the verge of depression.. I can feel it!" She encouraged me to go before the Lord and be with Him.

Through the process of miscarriage I never questioned God or asked, "Why me?" but I definitely felt a barrier between us. Normally, I read my bible every day and I pray alot throughout my day and I try to set aside specific time just for prayer, if I can. But during this time, I found it very hard to pray and very difficult to even open my bible. I had dragged myself to church on this particular Sunday (not my normal reponse!) and had I been a child I'm sure I would have been kicking & screaming.

I tell you though.. when I got off the phone with my dear friend I wept before the Lord, read through many Psalms & Proverbs, and begged the Lord for healing. I truly felt that if I could be healed of my physical pain which still consisted of unbearable pelvic pain & cramping then I could overcome the emotional pain of emptiness & depression.

God is so faithful!! I woke up Monday morning and for the first time in about 12 days.. I felt NORMAL!! Praise God for His answer to prayers and His faithfulness!!

For now, I don't know if the Lord will add to our family. I don't know when He will if He chooses to do so. I do know that He is my Father who loves me and has my best interest at heart. I know that if He chooses for us to add to our family, then we will. I will rejoice! However, if he chooses not to.. then I am ever grateful for my 2 beautiful blessings sent straight from Him! They are thoughtful, active, healthy, & loving! I am truly one blessed woman of God!

We are taught lessons in our lives. Whether it's for our good or for the comfort & love we receive from Him & others that we get to pass on to others in another "season".. we never understand these at the time. But one day, I'm sure I will get to minister to someone in a very special way that I would have otherwise had no idea how to! In all things, I pray that I bring Him glory & honor! I'm so thankful for the healing & restoration I have received.. only because I asked!

John 14:14 "If you ask anything in My name, then I will do it."

Following My Miscarriage

It's been 8 days past my miscarriage on Friday, July 27th. I just want to share an update with how I'm feeling. I must say this whole thing has really rocked my world...

Physically- I never realized the physical toll that miscarriage takes on one's body. Not many people talk about the affects of their miscarriage and it has been really eye opening to me what a body goes through. I'm still dealing with pain.. ligament, maybe? It feels similar to pregnancy round ligament pain.. you know on the sides of your pelvis in your lower abdomen?! It's definitely not bone pain (I know bone pain in the pelvis) it feels like ligament, tendon, or maybe muscle pain?! I have talked to a few people that say this is normal as your body returns to it's previous state. I am still dealing with waves of nausea, being tired, and food aversions/cravings too... I guess my hormones are still working their way back to normal as well.

Emotionally- I honestly feel like I'm slipping into a bit of a depression. I don't want to leave my house, unless I have to! I don't want to do anything.. I just want to sit and read or watch tv. I want to do nothing. Which is not conducive to this Homeschooling Mom of 2 who sells Pampered Chef!

I also struggle with "Maybe I didn't really miscarry... Maybe I'm still pregnant?" It's hard to keep myself in reality when  my body is still fighting itself back to normalcy. I am praying for peace each day and for strength!! I praise the Lord as so many people have surrounded me in prayers!! I know it's only from their prayers that I haven't slipped worse into depression.

I know that I can get pregnant again one day (if it's God's will) but I am still sad over my loss. I am tired of feeling physically like I've been hit by a truck. I wake up some mornings and think I've been hit by a semi. Other mornings I wake up and tell Andy I feel like I've been hit by a regular truck.. either way I don't normally wake up feeling well. Which I hate, because that's not the kind of person I am.

So for now.. I wait on the Lord for my strength, for my courage, for my comfort, for my healing. He is faithful and I know it's through Him only that I truly find healing and restoration. In the meantime, pray for my hubby, Andy, too.. I know I've not been easy to live with through this..

Second Day Post Miscarriage

Yesterday was a physically painful day. Today is an emotionally painful day. While I'm thankful that much of the physical pain has subsided.. I have had much grieving & mourning this day. Today, I really feel the emptiness & sadness of losing this precious little one. I want to hope that maybe everything is okay, but then I have to keep reality that everything isn't okay. The baby is in Heaven now... no longer with me. That's hard to remember sometimes.

I still feel little twinges in my pelvis area like I was feeling when I was pregnant. It's hard to feel those again (I am not sure why I'm still feeling them..) and then I remember that the baby isn't there anymore.

I was in the middle of looking for a new doctor's office when all of this occurred. So I'm going to contact a new office tomorrow (Monday) and see if they'll take me on at this point. I hope they will and I can go get checked out to make sure that everything has passed.

My heart still aches, but I know my God is faithful. I know that if it's God's will that I can be pregnant again one day. If He chooses for me not to be pregnant again one day, then He will give me the grace & peace I need to end that chapter of my life.

Homeschooling starts tomorrow and I'm not feeling quite up to it. Hopefully, tomorrow I will feel better and more capable of doing all that I need to do. In the meantime, my rest & my hope lies in the hands of Jesus. The exact hands that now hold my baby. The exact hands that hold the world together. I praise Jesus that I will have that sweet baby to meet again one day in Heaven.

A Friday Not Forgotten..

**I honestly didn't want to share this information, but I feel rather compelled to this afternoon. Maybe it will one day give comfort for someone to know my story. Maybe it's just for me to have as a remembrance. I'm not entirely sure... Just know there are some graphic, personal parts below. Consider yourself warned.**

As I write this today I feel a sense of sadness & emptiness. I'm sitting in our overstuffed chair with the ottoman pulled up close and a blanket around me as I sip Sprite. My hubby is working outside in the yard and our kids are with Andy's mom, for which I'm truly grateful.

A couple of weeks ago we realized I was pregnant! We were so excited (a little apprehensive about finances, but had many confirmations from the Lord that He would provide!) With my last 2 pregnancies we told everyone RIGHT away, but this time I told Andy I really wanted to keep it a secret for a while. Some of me just liked the idea that the two of us had a secret no one else knew about. Another part of me wanted to wait until around August 9th to reveal it, because that's my twin sister & my birthday!

I went to bed Thursday night full of pregnancy symptoms. I was laughing and telling Andy that he would be having to pull out my maternity & baby clothes out of our garage soon (which is detached & very hot) but atleast it wouldn't be in the dead of Summer. He has been complaining to me to sell some of our baby things as I have full wardrobes from newborn to 5 for girls and newborn to 3 for boys! So I told him it's a good thing I didn't sell any of it afterall!

I woke up on Friday and went to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding a little bit. From what I read online this could be somewhat normal. I texted Andy (he was at work) to let him know what was going on. A couple of hours later I began having severe cramping and losing alot of blood. He came home for lunch and found me sobbing in the kitchen. I told him I think I'm losing the baby. He was very sweet & caring to me and told me not to blame myself! I am so thankful for his comforting presence & love.

Later, I texted with a friend who has been through a miscarriage and I looked online and I had all classic symptoms, aches, & pains, etc as other women who have suffered from a miscarriage. It was confirmed. I spoke with a friend of mine who is a FNP and she put me on bedrest for the weekend with plenty of fluids. I was becoming dehydrated last night, but after a late night run to Kroger for Sprite & Motrin I was doing much better by midnight.

I went to bed last night with no more pregnancy symptoms. It's amazing what 24 hours will change. I only felt weak and just an overall soreness. I woke up crying (after crying most of yesterday)... my heart is sad and feels a bit empty. If God sees fit to give us another baby then I am grateful, but if He doesn't then I'm okay with that too. We have two beautiful, healthy children that I praise God for!! For now, I am sad still tho. My FNP friend told me to grieve and that it's okay. I was between 4-6 weeks pregnant. Still very early, but she calmed my emotions by saying, "Every baby is precious to God and to Mommas." It's true.. This baby was precious to me.. I was excited for him/her!

As I've prayed and sat in silence or watched the Olympics God has spoken many things to my heart this morning. Many of which are verses or songs we sing in church. I may not have the lyrics perfect, ha! But below are a couple of things I've been singing & remembering this morning..

"Before life began, You are on the Throne, You are God alone. Right now, in the good times & bad you are on your Throne. You are God alone."

Psalm 23:4 "Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close behind me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me."

I know that God has a plan and a purpose in ALL things, even when we don't understand it. So I will place my trust in Him and I know that He is the author & creator of all! If you don't mind to just remember me in your prayers right now. I'm so thankful for everyone's prayers as I posted on FB yesterday that I needed prayer (with no description). May God always get glory.. For He gives.. and He takes away, (but as the song goes..) "My heart will choose to say.. Blessed be the name of the Lord."

I posted this on Facebook and ended up with almost 40 comments. Some agreed and others did not. I want to post it on here too as a reminder to anyone who read my blog to make sure that we as women do all we can to protect our marriages!


"Ok friends.. I feel compelled to climb aboard my soapbox this morning. It won't be long, I promise! I'm not condemning or chastising anyone for your actions.. That is not my mission. I just want to bring light & truth to something. Many people have read 50 Shades of Grey and I can't understand the hype of reading pornography and erotica. It's not good for our marriages. Then Magic Mike came out last night and I'm saddened at hearing how many people are attending this movie. Not because I'm so religious I can't find the fun in things, but because.. If this idea of strippers was turned around I would be heartbroken for my hubby to go! If he went to a movie like that I would feel that I could never measure up, I would feel very ugly in comparison and that would hinder our relationship. Matthew 5:28 says "But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart." This applies to women too! Do we think just because we are women that we are immune to such sins as sexual lust & adultery? Aren't our marriages more than this?? Women of faith, I beg you.. Really pray and seek the Lord.. Is reading these books and watching these movies building up your marriage or slowly eroding its foundation? It's worth thinking about! Satan wants to destroy our marriages, and currently I believe he's using 50 Shades of Grey & Magic Mike to do just this! And ask yourself.. If my hubby looked at playboy and watched a pornographic (in nature) movie.. How would that make me feel as a woman? Ok.. That's all I have to say.. I have slid down from the Soapbox and my plea is over. I love you dear friends and I hope you've heard my heart in this as one of love & concern for our marriages in America!!" 

Written by me on June 30, 2012 and posted on Facebook

Summer Fun

Well, we are about halfway through the Summer! We start back our official year for homeschooling on July 30th! I want to start early so we can do 6 weeks of school and then 1 week of break! This will also give us the whole month of December off, so we can enjoy the Christmas season!! I want to share some of the fun things we are doing! I will say we've gone to Splash Country several times, but I haven't gotten a picture for that yet! Nonetheless, here is some of our fun!!

Eli learned to spell his name.. it's just not in order, hehe!

We got a van! Praise the Lord!!

We visited Wildwood Organic Farm! We got to pet the
Alpaca's & Chickens, see the Pigs & Horses, and much more!

Eating Ice Cream at Menchies! Tuesdays- Kids Eat Free!!

First Lost Tooth!! May 2012!!!

 After a carnival at church with a Titanic-like slide, we shared with Lydia & Elijah what happened on the Titanic! This is Elijah's rendition of what happened!!

Many fun times at the Splash Pad!
This is with our cousin,  Tyson!

Too many slip n slide days! This is their first time of the Season!

On our way home from Splash Country!!
They are WORN OUT!!

Chickfila play dates with great friends.
This time is with our good friend, Marianne!

There is still much fun to be had this Summer Season!! We are really enjoying it!!

Warrior Princess

My week has had some difficulty as I have been dealing with spiritual warfare. Unmistakably, over and over again God keeps showing me His faithfulness! He has equipped me with the truth of His love & faithfulness. I was worried about money this week and then Andy came home and surprisingly had been given a raise at work (after already having a promotion just a month or so earlier!) I have been reminded by a dear friend not to make other things a god in my life which hit home majorly. I so often look to the outside world for happiness, fulfillment, and love. It envelopes me into an internal battle of self-doubt and fears of failure. Yet, only GOD can give me the things which I so desperately long for: unconditional love, deep joy, and a sense of success and pride [in Him]!

After a difficult day yesterday. Nothing went as I had planned (does it ever? ha!) I felt like a failure.. in many different ways. Then I received a FB message from someone I had befriended over a year ago. She is a speaker I heard at a women's group and I was so captivated by her testimony and message to us women! She had just recently accepted my friend request. So she doesn't know me. However, she sent me a very dear message late last night to which I woke up and saw in my email this morning. In a nutshell, she said, "The Lord has laid you on my heart tonight. I want you to know that He loves you and He is your Strength and joy and your wisdom today. I know he will fulfill all His plans for you!" To say that I was in awe... is an understatement!

The GOD of the Universe DOES love me! He laid MY name on the heart of this precious woman who is in ministry and serves the Lord! I was brought to tears after reading this. In so many ways lately I've felt like a failure whether it be through my work or with my children and certainly within my marriage. Her reminder of God's love, strength, joy, & wisdom was like a drink of water to this thirsty soul.

Tonight, I was reading in my book "Captivating" by John & Staci Eldridge. So you ask, "What is the chapter about that you're reading?" Well, dear friend.. it's about Warrior Princesses! Women fighting in the battle of Spiritual Warfare!! I loved the statement, "Much of what He allows in your life is not for you to simply accept, but to get you to rise up!... God wants you to know how to take a stand, and how to fight!" So the truth is.. maybe God is preparing me for something great? Maybe He is creating a path for me that I do not quite understand at this moment, but He's refining me for greater things later on! Whatever the reason may be, I am determined to fight. I am determined to rise up and take a stand.. and learn HOW to fight! The Lord will be my strength. He will give me the Spiritual Armor I need to stop buying into satan's lies! For the next couple of weeks, my goal is to fight the lies & begin to win this battle! I plan to start writing down a list of thanksgivings. When I can see these things listed out that God has supplied for me, then I am hoping to have better discernment between the promises of God and the lies birthed from the pit of Hell.

I will end with the verse Judges 5:31 which this book quoted as well. I think it's very fitting for the warfare I'm in and the Warrior Princess I'm striving to be!

Judges 5:31 "So may all your enemies perish, O Lord! But may they who love you be like the sun when it rises in its strength."

"Captivating" Chapter 4

I posted last time about a book I'm reading with my small group, "Captivating", and had such a great response. My small group asked that I continue blogging about my thoughts & discoveries on this book. So, on one hand I am flattered. However, I am also terrified. My life hasn't been simple and for me in my reality.. it hasn't been easy. My biggest fear is that someone will assume I am pointing fingers or placing blame.. but that is NOT my agenda in any way. I feel called to do this, and so I shall. My disclaimer is that if you're reading this please understand that my heart is not to condemn, but to share my experience. The Holy Spirit has taught me when my parents could not and God did allow things to happen in my life that were painful. Through those experiences, however, I am seeing that God is using me and allowing me to help others. That being said.. let's dive in!


This chapter is titled "Wounded" and wow it brings up many wounds and I felt like I identified with many of them. I want to share quotes with you that stuck out to me. I am also sharing with you some of my testimony and how I identified with the readings of this chapter.


"Every little girl should be so loved, so welcomed--seen, known, treasured. From this place she can become a strong and beautiful and confident woman. If only that was how it was for all of us."


"If a woman is comfortable with her own femininity, her beauty, her strength, then the chances are good that her daughter will be too." Wow-- if this isn't my prayer.. I don't know what is!


I love this one-- "Our mothers show us the merciful face of God." That's beautiful, right? I will admit that I often felt as if I wasn't shown mercy or grace very often. I have to say that I clung to God as a child. I knew perfection lay with Him and I so wanted that. When I felt taunted by others or teased.. I would think.. "One day God will show them. One day they will see what they have done." Strange, I know.. but true. It was my coping mechanism.


"But as for our Question (The one each little girl asks, "Am I lovely?")- that is primarily answered by our fathers." Interesting!! As a young child my relationship with my dad was good. He did things with me and I did feel treasured by him. As a young teenager I was totally put on his backburner and as an older teenager was disowned by him and threatened to be removed from his will. That scarred me for many years. "How a father relates to his daughter has an enormous effect on her soul-- for good or for evil." I can praise God now that although our relationship isn't what I wish it was.. we have a good relationship. I will be grateful for what I have.


Now we're venturing into part of the book where examples are given of woundedness. As the stories unfold this quote definitely struck me, "the reason there are so many struggling women is because there were SO many wounded girls."  Parents don't realize how their actions & their words truly scar or uphold the self-worth of their children. I am guilty of cutting down my children. It is only a fraction of a second when I've realized what I have done and the wound is deeply set within their eyes. I ALWAYS go to them, hug them, and beg their forgiveness. I know what it's like to have wounds cut deep within me. I am not immune to causing them either. I am, however, held accountable for what I do once I realize what I have done. The Holy Spirit reveals such things to you if you are quiet enough to hear His voice! My children have received my harsh words before, but praise God they have also received my humility and my willingness to go to them and ask forgiveness. It teaches them that I am not perfect. It teaches them that I am a sinner too. It teaches them to forgive. It also teaches them that when they do wrong, they can come ask forgiveness from us as parents. I try very hard to extend the same grace to them as they (as children) have so often extend to me.  Matthew 18:3 "Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven."


"Take a deep look into the eyes of anyone and behind the smile or the fear, you will find pain. And most people are in more pain than even they realize."  Wow, if that's not true! When I received counseling over two years ago. I walked in with my smile plastered upon my face. That's what I always did. I often felt like I was acting. I was good at it too. My counselor shared something with me a year or more later as I was beginning to truly experience healing.. and my smiles were real and genuine. She told me she saw the look in my eyes when I walked in after first meeting her and she saw very deep pain. She knew my smile was only an act. I don't know if others saw it or not.. she had been in counseling many years and she knew that kind of pain. Maybe I wasn't fooling anyone, but myself? I'm glad that my smiles are now genuine.. usually, ha!


"Sorrow is not a stranger to any of us, though only a few have learned that it is not our enemy either. Because we are the ones loved by God, the King of kings, Jesus himself, who came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free (Isaiah 61)." We are set apart.. we are His beloved!! I praise God that when my life is stressful and heartache is prevalent He holds me and He can heal me! True healing can only come from Him!


As the book reads on we explore the life of a little girl named Debbie (not me, although I identified heavily with her!) Her father had an affair when she was young. He wasn't abusive or violent. He was kind to her mom & sisters. They were a church going family. Debbie felt that her mom & her family weren't "enough" to keep her father. "Affairs and divorces strike at a woman's worst fear- abandonment. They wound, not just the mothers, but the daughters as well."  I remember after my dad moved out (after his 2nd affair) and my mom was hurting and we were crying and we were all fighting. She said, "You will always have your daddy. I will never have my husband." I know her heart was aching, but I felt abandoned by her at that point too. I wanted to be held and reassured and I felt so alone. I would struggle with abandonment for many, many years. I felt that I had to control myself enough to try to keep myself from being abandoned. This became a pivotal point when my perfectionism began taking a life of it's own. If I didn't meet the standard of what I felt like perfection should be.. I was in shambles. Simple tasks like carrying laundry. If something fell out of the basket-- I lost it. I felt like I couldn't even carry laundry right. I was on eggshells-- within myself. I was miserable. I didn't dare let on that I was in this turmoil though.. because that would further the argument that I wasn't perfect. So instead just like Debbie felt, "Hide your vulnerability, Hide your heart. You aren't safe." I didn't feel safe with anyone, and if I did try to be.. in their human nature they would let me down and then I felt even more abandoned.


Now Stasi (a co-author of the book) speaks of her childhood. A mother whose sole attention was herself. Stasi writes, "When I was young I had to pretend to be sick in order to get a morsel of her attention." It's funny.. I remember pretending to be sick often. I also remember if I was a little sick I made it much worse in order to prolong my "sickness" in order to get more attention. I was told once, "You are baby-ed too much when you're sick. I think you like being sick for that reason. I guess that's my fault for giving you too much attention when you're sick." My question was, "Why couldn't you just give me more attention?" It was something that hit me at the core of my being, but I couldn't quite understand why it haunted me so badly. As I read this book, I realize I just wanted my question ("Am I lovely?") to be answered.. with a yes.


So what lessons did I learn as a little girl? I often felt like I was a waitress. That may seem silly. I was to have coffee made at all times for my dad. If my mom wanted something to drink, then I was to get it for her. If the dogs needed to be let outside (off the kitchen)- even if an adult was in the kitchen.. I would be called into the kitchen to do so. We (my sister & I) kept our home clean.. very clean. We had many chores as both of our parents worked. The good news is that even though my house may not look it.. I know how to keep a clean home, lol. I often felt that my actions were an equal measure of love. If I did the dishes, but forgot to do something that accompanied the cleanliness of the kitchen, then I was only told what I did wrong. I rarely remember being shown gratefulness for what I had done. So I felt like I was only loved when I was "perfect" which further led to my desire to strive for perfection. 


If I was asked to do something I didn't want to do and I said "no", then my love was questioned. "Don't you love me?" I felt like I couldn't have an opinion, because if it was the wrong one or not the same as the adults around me.. then I might not love them. That would hurt them, and I didn't want to hurt them. So I would strive to be pleasing by picking the opinion they wanted and hope that I got it right-- all the while losing my own identity as to what I liked or enjoyed or wanted to do. "The damage done to our feminine hearts through the wounds we received is made much worse by the horrible things we believe about ourselves as a result." 


Stasi writes that as a child we don't understand how to sort through the emotions we feel. Our parents know everything. "We believed them to be right. If we were overwhelmed or belittled or hurt or abused, we believed that somehow it was because of us- the problem was with us." This was true for me. I felt like I couldn't say the right thing or do the right thing. So I strived a little harder to be perfect. 


"What makes her search so frustrating is that she doesn't know what IS wrong with her. She simply fears that somehow she is not enough." 


"We can't help but believe that if we were different, if we were BETTER, then we would have been loved as we so longed to be. It must be us." -Lies from Satan himself.


"The vows we make as children are very understandable- and very, very damaging. They shut our hearts down." My vows were that I could be perfect.. and only then I could be lovely and worthy.. and acceptable. I would vow to not hurt anyone on purpose and to make sure what I said was the "right" thing.


"Somewhere in my young heart, without even knowing I was doing it or putting words to it, I vowed to protect myself by never causing pain, never requiring attention." It's so interesting as I read this, because this was me! As I worked on boundaries in my counseling I would share situations with her. She would give me ideas about how to set a boundary. I would reply, "Oh I could never say that!" She would ask, "Why not?" My answer, "Because I would hurt their feelings." 


It took MONTHS (and I'm still a work in progress) to understand that by someone crossing my boundary they are hurting my feelings. My feelings are not invalidated! I have been so hurt & wounded by others that I would go to any cost at all to make sure I didn't cause the same pain in someone else. But the truth of the matter is.. we are human. We will cause other people pain. But where is our heart in that? Is it malicious? My heart wasn't malicious.. I had to trust that if someone's feelings are hurt.. it is their feelings to feel- not mine. They were allowed to feel hurt and if I was in the wrong then I should apologize. However, if I am setting a boundary to protect myself and I inadvertently hurt their feelings I have no reason to apologize. My heart wasn't in the wrong place-- my heart was pure. Their hurt feelings are theirs to work through.. not for me to work through.


So where I was: Stasi puts it beautifully, "We know we are not all that we long to be, all that God longs for us to be, but instead of coming up for grace-filled air and asking God what he thinks of us, shame keeps us pinned down and gasping, believing that we deserve to suffocate." This was definitely me..especially with my vows of perfectionism.


I praise God that through brokenness I have experienced God has redeemed me. He has restored me! Praise God that my mission in life is no longer to be perfect! I am only a forgiven sinner who has been saved and redeemed by the grace of God!! It took many tears, a long journey, and heaps and heaps of grace.. but God can restore our brokenness. He is Jehova Rapha- the Ultimate Healer! I share my story because many have shared with me their brokenness. Some have shared with me that they are hurting. I share my story not to say my parents were horrible parents-- they did the best they could. I share my story because 1) God is telling me to 2) I want to inspire you to know we serve a God who heals & redeems. Take your problems and go to the cross of Jesus. Rest at His feet. Weep and cry, kick and scream. Do what you have to do to release the pain of your past. Then allow the anointing of the Holy Spirit to wash over you, cleanse you, and heal your broken heart. He will do it. He is faithful and full of mercy & grace!


One of my favorite verses is Isaiah 61:10 "I am overwhelmed with joy in the Lord my God! For He has dressed me with the clothing of salvation and draped me in a robe of righteousness."  He will clothe you in salvation and drape you in righteousness too.. if you will allow Him to!


I shared this with some friends tonight and I will close with it now. I heard a pastor say one time that the hike up a mountain must be rocky in order to reach the top. If the mountain was slick and smooth you could never make it.


Let me also say that I, in no way, have it all together now. Just today I called my very dear counselor who is more a friend & mentor now than a counselor. So please don't believe that I have no more problems. I am just covered in His grace now and I have given myself permission to know that I am okay and I do not have to be perfect. As I shared with my small group last Wednesday... We all have unique gifts to offer and it's our obedience to Christ that allows us to offer them to others. I am feeling more and more like this is my gift.. so I am here to offer it to you. Only because Jesus gave it to me and it really belongs to Him!

"Captivating"

This is the book I am reading with a new small group at church. It has been truly "Captivating" to me and I'm only in the 2nd chapter. There is much to be learned here as a woman. There is much to be absorbed and much to be changed!

The books begins with Eve. There are so many "captivating" things about Eve, as a Woman, that I never even thought of before! For one, let's think about creation. God created ALL that's in this world and then said, "It is good!" He created man in His image and it was good. But it wasn't enough. The world wasn't enough until He created woman. The God of the Universe didn't feel that His creation was enough.. until He created a woman? Wow! 

So many women feel the need to stand up and say, "I'm a woman.. I deserve this. I deserve that. I AM this. I AM NOT that." On and on it goes. However, do we really need to do this? Do we need to be such hard core feminists in order to feel that we have meaning? I say to you lovingly, no we do not. Because if the God of the Universe didn't think His creation was perfect & complete until we, as women, were created.. then that means.. we have great reason for being here on this Earth! It's not about claiming what we think we deserve. It's about basking in the love of God and realizing how much we mean to Him! Once we were created.. THEN, the world was perfect and complete!

 Now, I'll let you in on my own dirty secrets. I have struggled, I mean really struggled for over a year now with my weight and my body. Before I fell and sustained a severe injury to my pelvis, hip, lower back, and coccyx I was running about 3 miles a day. Now, to the marathoners out there that's nothing, but for me who was just getting in to running.. I was excited and pumped!! After my injury, I was advised no more running (for now) and I was a little devastated. Why? Because I began to gain the weight. Not just a lb or two.. but all the muscle I had worked so hard for in the gym-- pushing myself to great limits and seeing nice results.. were diminishing to flab. I found myself to be disgusting. That's just the truth of it.  I don't like saying it's true, but it is true and I'm all about being real, so let's get real! :c)

I am doing better with this struggle. Thankfully, I have a husband who is loving to me no matter what and I am so thankful for this. I know not all women are blessed with such grace and unconditional love. This book touches on these subjects in subtle ways that really spoke to the depths of my being.  So here are a few quotes that I found "captivating"!

"An external beauty without a depth of character is not true beauty at all."

"Sometimes the beauty [of God's creation] is so deep it pierces us with longing. For life as it was meant to be. Beauty reminds us of Eden we have never known, but somehow our hearts were created for. Beauty speaks of heaven to come, when all shall be beautiful.. All these things are true for any experience of Beauty. But they are especially true when we experience the beauty of a woman-- her eyes, her form, her voice, her heart, her spirit, her life. She speaks all of this far more profoundly than anything else in creation, because she is incarnate; she is personal." Translation: We are much more than beauty that is skin deep.

"A woman knows, down in her soul, that she longs to bring beauty to the world. She might be mistaken on how (something every woman struggles with), but she longs for a beauty to unveil." Translation: We ALL struggle! I'm not alone in this battle.

"Beauty is an essence that is given to every woman at her creation."

"A woman is not prized only for her good looks. We do not say a woman is here merely to complete a man, and therefore a single woman is somehow missing her destiny. We say that Eve is the crown of creation." -Paraphrased

"We struggle to know if we matter at all. If we are at home, we feel ashamed we don't have a 'real life' in the outside world. We are swallowed by laundry. If we have a career, we feel as though we are missing out on more important matters like marriage and children. We are swallowed by meetings." Translation: We all struggle with wishing we were doing or being something else.

"Nearly all a woman does in her adult life is fueled by her longing to be delighted in, her longing to be beautiful, to be irreplaceable to have her Question (Am I lovely?) be answered, 'Yes!'" - Paraphrased

You see? We all struggle.. and I identify with so many of these! Do you? How thankful I am that God loves us women.. flaws & all! He created us this way. It wasn't that He created our face and said, "Now her face is perfect!" He didn't just create her body and say, "That is one perfect body!" He didn't just create her and say that her hair looked great! NO... He created her.. the emotional, loving, tender, and beautiful woman that He made her to be. He saw all of her and it was then that He knew His creation.. His entire creation of what He wanted a Woman to be.. was complete. 

In the book, "Captivating" it reads, "She is the crescendo, the final, astonishing work of God. Woman. In one last flourish creation comes to a finish with Eve. She is the Master's finishing touch."  I love that!!

Now, I am in no way diminishing that men hold a dear place in the heart of God. They have a great role of great importance! I just think that we, as women, need to wake up out of our fog, be bold & courageous, and claim the truths of God in our lives! We were created for a great purpose defined by the love of Almighty God and because of a woman the Creator said creation was then perfect! We are not just what we look like.. we are who God made us to be! We are beautiful, a true masterpiece, we are "captivating"!

Micah 6:8 came to my mind tonight and I will end with it!

"He has showed you, O man, what is good. And what does the LORD require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God."

Looking Back.. Looking Forward

I have not been very diligent about posting! The greatest and latest news is the fact that Andy got a promotion at his work! Since his lay off 3 years ago we have truly struggled. God has been so faithful to us though! About 2 years ago, In addition to serving the Lord at church Andy got on at Target as a flow team member. Which means he worked 3 days a week from 4-9:30am. He did this for over a year. He liked working at Target, but I must admit that I was quite frustrated with only 15 hours a week. I made up for the rest with different job likes Petsitting, Babysitting, & working retail.  Honestly, it was exhausting. 


Then about 6 months ago Andy was promoted to Brand Specialist in the shoe department. It wasn't a pay raise, but it was a guaranteed 36 hours a week. Praise the Lord.. that was such a blessing!! As I began thinking about all the wonderful blessings that would come with steadier money I was quite surprised to find that we didn't have ANY extra money. I asked Andy about this to which he replied, "No you don't understand... we can pay our bills now." Well, while I'm thankful we then had the money to pay our bills.. I was disappointed. I was looking forward to Chickfila and bounce house playdates! lol


In October, I joined the Pampered Chef! It's been a total blessing for me! I love to cook and to be paid to cook is even better!! I also love meeting new people and that's always fun to me too!! Not to mention, I have gotten tons of free stuff just for being a consultant and meeting sales goals!! God has been really faithful through my new business and as long as the Lord so chooses.. I'm grateful for His blessings on my Pampered Chef. We now had some extra money... and while it's not a ton.. it has allowed for some playdates and we're working to pay off our credit card!


Then, we have been waiting for a month now as there has been talk at Target about promotions. Andy had done all the interviews and we had been waiting and waiting to see if he got the position. Praise the Lord, we found out that he did get the job!! Which comes with a pay raise! He is now a CTL which is a Consumables Team Leader. He is under direct management and over the Food & Perishables at Target. I'm so thankful for this, because he will know the good deals for food each week, ha! If you know me.. I coupon & love good food deals!


I'm all about sharing my struggles and being real. I think we need to be more real with others and less fake, because we are all in this world together.. we're all struggling through Life in one way or another. Life isn't easy and nothing is trustworthy, but I serve a God who is!! I give Him all the glory for the last 3 years when we didn't know how we would buy groceries and He provided. Or when Andy was laid off.. I was still in pain from my difficult c-section and couldn't go back to work yet and Elijah was only 4 months old and Lydia had just turned 2 years old. We didn't know where we would get money to buy diapers (both in diapers) or have health insurance. But God always provided for us. Times were tough and resources were low, but God was faithful and we never went without! I am so thankful for God's provisions and as I think about this year ahead I am excited to see God working in us. He has been blessing us in abundant ways and I am SO grateful!!


My back is healing (finally! hehe) and although I still have some pain, it is definitely not where I was at last year. Last year at this time I was nearly bedridden and could hardly walk from the severity of my injury. Now, I can walk a normal (slower) pace and am back to normal life. I have to be careful and not twist or walk too fast. Extra movements do cause more pain, but as long as I am cautious I am doing great!! I praise God for that!!


If you are struggling in life whether it's physically, emotionally, or fiscally... let me be an encouragement to you that our God is so faithful in ALL things and when you don't know how you will continue on... go to the Lord. He will carry you through!


Psalm 16:11 "You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy; At Your 


right hand are pleasures forevermore."

December Memories

On Lydia's 5th Birthday!

December at our house always involves alot of celebration! Lydia's birthday is on the 19th and Christmas is on the 25th! My sister lives out of town so we celebrate Christmas with her whenever she can come in during the month (normally the first part of December) therefore it seems like every week my kids (especially Lydia) are opening presents for one thing or another!! It's always super fun though and I'm always sad when December ends! Here are some highlights of our December celebrations!


At our Annual Family Christmas Reunion
This is a picture of all the twins in our family!
There are 5 sets here (only 1 identical) 

Lydia's Birthday Celebration 

with family for turning 5!

The very homemade-looking Birthday Cake I made

 Our Gingerbread House!

After several attempts of Elijah being silly and I keep saying, "Smile  nice Elijah!" This is Lydia's solution!

Our Christmas Eve Celebration!

Working hard to figure this out!

So excited to get all of Princess Barbies from her Pappaw George!

After Christmas with Pappaw George on Christmas Eve
we made a Happy Birthday Jesus Cake!

We left Jesus cake & milk for Santa
and 8 carrots for the reindeer (Lydia's idea)!

After Santa's Visit!

Christmas Morning!

Elijah loves his new guitar!

Andy even got in on the guitar playing!

Our dog, Sarah Cassie

(We call her Cassie, but Lydia calls her Sarah.. hence the double name!)

They were so excited to have our dog, Cassie. to spend
Christmas with this year!

For Christmas Cassie got a new bed and a new bone

She guarded it with all her heart...

She even slept with it


We had the most wonderful Christmas this year!

 We feel so blessed and so grateful for so many precious December memories!!